It just hit me I really haven't updated in the past few days. Sometimes sheer boredom does that to you; and the things I thought of saying were empty and silly. They still are, I'm sure. I went from a really profound sense of depression early in the week to just bland boredom through the middle, to sort of mournful contemplation this morning.

Last night, Niles came over. We got through the end of Lord of War. It was fantastic, if not utterly depressing. I shall give you some of my favorite lines; the first is my fave:

They say, "Evil prevails when good men fail to act." What they ought to say is, "Evil prevails."

Every faction in Africa calls themselves by these noble names--Liberation this, Patriotic that, Democratic Republic of something-or-other... I guess they can't own up to what they usually are: a federation of worse oppressors than the last bunch of oppressors. Often, the most barbaric atrocities occur when both combatants proclaim themselves freedom-fighters.

I sell to leftists, and rightists. I sell to pacifists, but they're not the most regular customers.

K, that's enough, but just see it. It's awwwwesome.

Niles left around 1:30. I never wanted him to leave, but at the same time when we are hanging out I feel like it's all pretend. It's not on my part, but on his, it is, but without the pretense of it being real. It's not as if he's lying or saying he wants me back, he's really saying nothing about the entire situation, it's all whatever happens when we're together happens, and I'm lonely because I miss when I thought it was real. I miss him before he even leaves and while we're together I miss what we once had. It's a lose-lose situation, and one losing situation is just preventing in my stupid mind what I think would be a worse loss situation. Trading one hurt for another... means there is always a hurt. I'm not sure if anyone is following me, so I'll stop.

These are not the kind of thoughts that should be accompanied by the song, "Give You Back." Let me demonstrate:

I need to know if you were real
'Cause I've been known to get it wrong
When the memory comes
I'll say I'm always in the dark
You got me now
I want to give you back
I want to give you back
Somewhere out of here
I want to give you
I want to give you
I want to give you back

I can't remember how it went
You looked like everything I wanted
And as you came along
Slowly everything began to change
I got you now

I need to know if you were real
I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again
And as the vision fades
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes
I felt them burn


OK, I conclude that thought there.

So, I hesitate to say anything here but I found out some really crappy news yesterday. My cousin's daughter Alexis (first off, let me say my cousin is not married to Alexis' father, they have joint custody though) has been being raped by her father (Alexis' father, not my uncle). I guess my aunt has suspected it for reasons I will not mention here, but she was all bruised in areas a six year old should definitely not be bruised. When my aunt asked her who did it to her, she said daddy. She's a mentally retarded six year old, I mean.. that's just disgusting! The girl is screwed up enough as it is, my cousin practically dropped her into her mom (my aunt's) lap because she couldn't handle her behavioral and developmental problems, and now this. DCFS is in the picture now, and they have to take Alexis to Children's Memorial to undergo psychiatric testing and to see if they can get her, with her limited verbal skills, to give them more information about the rape. Ugh. And I NEVER liked this guy either, when my cousin was dating him, the exact same way I didn't like my aunt collette's husband. My mom told me when I was young and I'd just met my ex-uncle to say hi to my new uncle and I said no and walked away. And he beat the fucking hell out of her several times. I have seen her eyes black so many times.. I helped move her out of her house and I told the man when he came home to try to convince my aunt not to leave that I would kill him before I let him touch her again. Mom and I called the cops and they escourted him out. Why was he afraid of me, yet not afraid to beat Collette within an inch of her life? I mean, I'm a pretty good judge of character. But I couldn't have imagined Alexis' father Steve would do this to his own daughter, a mentally delayed daughter at that. I'm so angry, I just.. I just can't even think about it anymore.

I just want to sleep. But it's only 11 and I have to be here until four. I'm counting the minutes. I brought a huge "ocean view" coloring book and colored pencils, if I can get the attention span to actually color. I also have my Greg Iles book and a bunch of CDs to try to numb the boredom.