rant
Shopping with Mom this afternoon (it's her 51st birthday). I got a reallllly cute outfit and am feeling more confident than usual wearing it to church/going out tonight. Yay that. I got two tank tops - one strappy and teal, and one just a regular tank but with this beautiful beading/stitching around the neckline and between the breast area.. and a creme, light weight Bohemian style blouse to go over it. It looks perfect with my dark jeans and boots. Also, an adorable necklace. It's simple - cuz I'm simple and like basic, uncomplicated stuff - just a brown leather cord as a chain with a pendant type thing - three silver hoops inside each other. Very Bohemian as well. Fitting, as that is part of my total mutt background. I think I'm mostly Irish and German, with some American Indian, Scottish, Bohemian, and Norweigan (am I spelling that right?). Probably a few others tossed in there.
I got a few other things, too. I've kind of hit a tomboy stage. I either do the Bohemian type look with really earthy tones (brown, creme, green, blue - oh, and I love purple) or the tomboy thing. I got a new Billabong hoodie (blue) but it's really heavy pull over, so I will probably not get much use out of it the rest of this season as spring is rolling around. Also got two long sleeved knit shirts, one navy and one white - they look sort of like long underwear but they're softer and lighter - low cut v-neck with buttons (but strangely enough, the buttons are just for show). They'll look good under my assorted zipper hoodies.
Speaking of clothes, the button-snappie thing for my favorite cords came off today. There is a little hole where it was, all torn up. How the hell did I manage that one? My mom said she will buy a button and sew it on for me. I am going to have to beg her to do that soon because they're my favorites! They're huge on me though.. that's a good thing! Buttons..man, I am hopeless when it comes to home ec stuff like that except doing laundry. I'm a crappy cook, my ironing just puts more creases into stuff, I have hilariously bad "homemaking" skills.. you name it, I suck at it. I could live on eggs, Lean Cuisine, grilled chicken and pasta, and veggies. How boring am I?
My mom said the funniest thing today. We were talking about this paper my brother has to do on cloning and how one of the anti-cloning arguments is that it takes the romance out of the bedroom by adding a scientist to the whole conception experience. My mom goes, hey, it gets women out of sex. And I practically choked on my smoothie and was like, "Who'd want that?!" and my Mom laughed and said, "Most women over thirty." I just shook my head and told her that's so sad and I couldn't imagine feelin' like that about sex, and she was like, "When did you get so grown up?" She had this little wistful expression on her face. Aww, poor Mom. She told me today I'm not like any other 21 year old she knows. She said she knows I'd do just fine on my own, but that she thought it would be foolish to not take the chance to go to school full time while I'm at a regular college age and that it gets harder & harder to go back as you get older. I don't know how she sensed the restlessness I'm feeling as all my friends are moving out, getting married, getting their own places... I long for that freedom in a way but I have freedom, though, and moreover - I *had* it with Ethan and found it banal and unfulfilling. I remember one moment in particular standing in the middle of my own living room with everything decorated as I desired, feeling like I had something that was mine, and it still left me feeling empty. I had such a horrible emptiness I carried around when I was in the relationship with Ethan; I dunno, the "freedom" felt like a cage. And now, as it stands, I have a good amount of freedom ~ I can have people over, I have a huge room and I'm the only one on the first floor so I have people crash over here all the time (although, one morning over the summer I had to sneak a guy out of here...ooops~ Mom totally knew but didn't say anything, thank God) .. I don't have a curfew or any BS like that.. my parents don't try to tell me what to do and what not to (although they still try to influence what I believe)... free rent.. so it makes perfect sense for me to stick with this situation. They're even going to help me paint my room bronze and I think they want to get new carpet put in here for me, too.
I think I just feel restless about life in general. As friends graduate and start the next chapters of their life, I am trudging through school work just trying to get my associates degree. Math has been such a struggle for me and has held me back; marriage to Ethan held me back. I guess it's a good thing the marriage was so short lived, or I would have wasted even more time with working and not going to school. I'm trying to enjoy being "young" but I don't feel young anymore. I was looking through my clothes this morning and grumbling because I feel like none of it is ME.. I had to get all sorts of nice clothing for the professional job I had while I was married, and now I have no need for them and they're just not ME (it looks like my Mom's closet, not mine!). I think I'm going to go through my clothes, keep a few fancy office outfits, and give the rest to charity. Everything that reminds me of Ethan is going to go, including my old favorite sweater I wore to the Keith Urban show years back. I am soon going to be 22, and damn it all to hell if I'm not going to exercise my right to jeans and sweatshirts for a few years longer.
It probably seems silly to view clothing as such an.. exention of my personality. But a lot of what I have left over from married days just seems to remind me of the person I was subconsciously trying to be rather than who I really was/am. I was trying to enter a chapter in life I was nowhere near ready for, although, if I'd had a man that treated me well and loved me, I know I would have made it work. Anyway, now that I've got a second chance, as it were, I am trying to like who I am and be true to that, even in silly ways like what I wear. Who I choose to date. What I spend my time doing. I'm trying to get back to my writing.. start going bowling again.. doing silly things that are true to myself. Maybe that seems stupid? Even down to drawing again.. I am a terrible artist but I *love* coloring books (mostly landscapes) and I took a painting class one time - I'm thinking of trying to find another one to enroll in. I'm taking Criminology this semester because my gut said, hey, Melissa, you'd like this shit, and I *do*. That trust in myself is coming back little by little. I don't blame Ethan entirely for removing it; I let go of it to try to be his Wife and someone that would make him happy. How ridiculous.. can I ever make anyone else really happy unless I am happy first?
Anyway, I'm going to go take my lil' poochie on a walk. It's a beautiful, bright day today and I'm feeling extremely grateful and even joyful. I'm just happy to be alive today, happy to be free (in more ways than one), and happy for once to be me.
All my recent moping about my romantic situations (or lack there of) abruptly ended this morning. I realized that anyone who I choose to date is going to be very lucky to have me [I have never thought that before.] I'm a good person, and when I love someone I am incredibly giving and warm....
-- I just need to give myself a little more credit.
I got a few other things, too. I've kind of hit a tomboy stage. I either do the Bohemian type look with really earthy tones (brown, creme, green, blue - oh, and I love purple) or the tomboy thing. I got a new Billabong hoodie (blue) but it's really heavy pull over, so I will probably not get much use out of it the rest of this season as spring is rolling around. Also got two long sleeved knit shirts, one navy and one white - they look sort of like long underwear but they're softer and lighter - low cut v-neck with buttons (but strangely enough, the buttons are just for show). They'll look good under my assorted zipper hoodies.
Speaking of clothes, the button-snappie thing for my favorite cords came off today. There is a little hole where it was, all torn up. How the hell did I manage that one? My mom said she will buy a button and sew it on for me. I am going to have to beg her to do that soon because they're my favorites! They're huge on me though.. that's a good thing! Buttons..man, I am hopeless when it comes to home ec stuff like that except doing laundry. I'm a crappy cook, my ironing just puts more creases into stuff, I have hilariously bad "homemaking" skills.. you name it, I suck at it. I could live on eggs, Lean Cuisine, grilled chicken and pasta, and veggies. How boring am I?
My mom said the funniest thing today. We were talking about this paper my brother has to do on cloning and how one of the anti-cloning arguments is that it takes the romance out of the bedroom by adding a scientist to the whole conception experience. My mom goes, hey, it gets women out of sex. And I practically choked on my smoothie and was like, "Who'd want that?!" and my Mom laughed and said, "Most women over thirty." I just shook my head and told her that's so sad and I couldn't imagine feelin' like that about sex, and she was like, "When did you get so grown up?" She had this little wistful expression on her face. Aww, poor Mom. She told me today I'm not like any other 21 year old she knows. She said she knows I'd do just fine on my own, but that she thought it would be foolish to not take the chance to go to school full time while I'm at a regular college age and that it gets harder & harder to go back as you get older. I don't know how she sensed the restlessness I'm feeling as all my friends are moving out, getting married, getting their own places... I long for that freedom in a way but I have freedom, though, and moreover - I *had* it with Ethan and found it banal and unfulfilling. I remember one moment in particular standing in the middle of my own living room with everything decorated as I desired, feeling like I had something that was mine, and it still left me feeling empty. I had such a horrible emptiness I carried around when I was in the relationship with Ethan; I dunno, the "freedom" felt like a cage. And now, as it stands, I have a good amount of freedom ~ I can have people over, I have a huge room and I'm the only one on the first floor so I have people crash over here all the time (although, one morning over the summer I had to sneak a guy out of here...ooops~ Mom totally knew but didn't say anything, thank God) .. I don't have a curfew or any BS like that.. my parents don't try to tell me what to do and what not to (although they still try to influence what I believe)... free rent.. so it makes perfect sense for me to stick with this situation. They're even going to help me paint my room bronze and I think they want to get new carpet put in here for me, too.
I think I just feel restless about life in general. As friends graduate and start the next chapters of their life, I am trudging through school work just trying to get my associates degree. Math has been such a struggle for me and has held me back; marriage to Ethan held me back. I guess it's a good thing the marriage was so short lived, or I would have wasted even more time with working and not going to school. I'm trying to enjoy being "young" but I don't feel young anymore. I was looking through my clothes this morning and grumbling because I feel like none of it is ME.. I had to get all sorts of nice clothing for the professional job I had while I was married, and now I have no need for them and they're just not ME (it looks like my Mom's closet, not mine!). I think I'm going to go through my clothes, keep a few fancy office outfits, and give the rest to charity. Everything that reminds me of Ethan is going to go, including my old favorite sweater I wore to the Keith Urban show years back. I am soon going to be 22, and damn it all to hell if I'm not going to exercise my right to jeans and sweatshirts for a few years longer.
It probably seems silly to view clothing as such an.. exention of my personality. But a lot of what I have left over from married days just seems to remind me of the person I was subconsciously trying to be rather than who I really was/am. I was trying to enter a chapter in life I was nowhere near ready for, although, if I'd had a man that treated me well and loved me, I know I would have made it work. Anyway, now that I've got a second chance, as it were, I am trying to like who I am and be true to that, even in silly ways like what I wear. Who I choose to date. What I spend my time doing. I'm trying to get back to my writing.. start going bowling again.. doing silly things that are true to myself. Maybe that seems stupid? Even down to drawing again.. I am a terrible artist but I *love* coloring books (mostly landscapes) and I took a painting class one time - I'm thinking of trying to find another one to enroll in. I'm taking Criminology this semester because my gut said, hey, Melissa, you'd like this shit, and I *do*. That trust in myself is coming back little by little. I don't blame Ethan entirely for removing it; I let go of it to try to be his Wife and someone that would make him happy. How ridiculous.. can I ever make anyone else really happy unless I am happy first?
Anyway, I'm going to go take my lil' poochie on a walk. It's a beautiful, bright day today and I'm feeling extremely grateful and even joyful. I'm just happy to be alive today, happy to be free (in more ways than one), and happy for once to be me.
All my recent moping about my romantic situations (or lack there of) abruptly ended this morning. I realized that anyone who I choose to date is going to be very lucky to have me [I have never thought that before.] I'm a good person, and when I love someone I am incredibly giving and warm....
-- I just need to give myself a little more credit.
posted by Oblivion.. at 1:42 PM
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