weirdness

I just talked to my ex, Porter, [by all accounts, my first love, and the second hardest person for me to get over.. two guesses who the first is?] for the first time in probably six months. He has some social issues I think, definitely depressive problems, and is in the Army (a West Point graduate, stationed in Korea and recently moved to a station in Oklahoma. Anyway, we hashed shit up like always seems to happen, and he basically told me that our mutual friends - the group we grew up with - are "dead to him". I asked him if it's because they stopped caring or because he did. He seemed to agree when I suggested their being "dead to him" is a result of their stopping caring about him and his feeling abandoned. I asked him if I am dead to him, and he basically said he doesn't know. After a long silence, he said he is just feeling lost, and has been for years, and he doesn't know if I ever really knew him, if he ever let me in, or if every time I thought I was seeing him, I was just seeing a mask of his. He said happiness and unhappiness are both irrelevent, especially past happiness, so trying to analyze whether what we had was actually real is not worth it. I told him that when I think of loving him, I revert back to a time where I felt safer than I do now, and this was a portion of our conversation I thought I would post.

Porter: you weren't any more unhappy then than you are now
mistygardens84: I felt safer then, to be honest with you
Porter: I think uncertainty haunted your dreams like it did all of us
mistygardens84: what do you mean?
Porter: adolescent uncertainty about the future
Porter: whether or not you can cut it in the real world
mistygardens84: I'm as uncertain now as I was then
mistygardens84: and frankly, less sure I can cut it
Porter: but you care less now
Porter: we are the people we were all afraid to grow up to be
mistygardens84: back then, I truly thought something would come of my life by 22.
Porter: and it's not so bad
mistygardens84: I don't know if you get that
Porter: hey, me too
mistygardens84: I had hope. Real, true hope. and every insane life event that happens, that dies a little bit.. I lower the bar on "my dreams"
Porter: we're all raised to think we're going to be rock star scientist astronauts
Porter: we're the smartest little kids ever
mistygardens84: so we convince ourselves it doesn't fucking matter
Porter: and by the time we're 20 we're working blockbuster
Porter: and for 90% of people, that's how it goes
Porter: it's giving up that sense that you're the protagonist
Porter: that you're someone even mildly important in the scheme of things
mistygardens84: *nod*
Porter: accept and love your anonymity
Porter: embrace the mediocrity - it's life
mistygardens84: I know I don't matter but I know that there are people in my life who have mattered a lot to me. you're one of them, by the way, whether you EVER wanted to be or not.
mistygardens84: and I may never be a doctor or a lawyer or someone special, but I guess I hope someday I can be someone that matters to somebody else.
Porter: the people you'll end up mattering the most to are people you never knew you mattered to at all
Porter: before you can matter to anyone else you have to matter to yourself
Porter: otherwise what's the point?
Porter: the only value you have is the value you assign yourself


....Thoughts?

It's about the deepest convo we've had since two nights before my wedding, when we talked about life and love and he held me like he never wanted to let go (and I wished he would kiss me one last time... but I pushed him away). It's really never been the same since. I hold on still to him and want him in my life, but what he wants is to forget his entire past, forget when he was his happiest (I think because it reminds him how entirely unhappy he is now), and start over fresh in two years when he's done in the military. I almost want to just let him, but God still places him on my heart so often (like the urge to pray for him, out of nowhere) that I know he's not meant to be someone I let out of my life without a fight.

I told Porter at age fifteen that I was someone he wouldn't be able to get rid of, so just forget about it. He asked why I cared, and I told him that everyone deserves someone to care without condition and to just be there to help put the pieces together and I promised him I would always be that girl for him. Back then, the gratitude (yet bewilderment at why I'd choose to be there for HIM) I saw in his eyes was enough to reassure me that it was worth promising forever friendship. Porter is the type who refuses to need anybody these days, but should he ever come around, I do intend to be here.

::shrug::