If you read my journal...

I updated to the new blogger thing and while I don't write a whole lot, I'm updating the new one, not this one. this is the link: http://goldsoakedafternoon.blogspot.com/

xo!!

Wow!

So, I have this poet friend named Chris. We have been talking online since I was 13. I can't even remember how old he is, I think ten or so years older than me, but he's been kind of a role model for me. Anyway, he wrote a poem about me when I was fifteen years old. Based (loosely) on events in my own life. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me, and he just got it accepted to an online poetry site as their featured poem of the month. I just wanted to post it:) I still can't believe how much his writing this means to me!


For Melissa

Becky was in a ditch by the 60 east,
Bleeding out her 16 years, missing her family and her friends,
Surrounded by angels taking her places that devils like me can only dream of.
Taking flight the only way that a young soul can,
Meanwhile Jesus taps me on the shoulder,
Reminding me what’s really important and that He is still in control.

Marco took his life last week,
He was strung up on display in the garage,
The cops declared it a crime scene,
And asked his mother to step to the side as she choked on her tears,
After watching her son hanging lifelessly from the rafters.
Self destruction, self hatred,
Exploding into desperation,
The worst chemical reaction I have ever had to see,
A young boy fresh and 16,
Hanging from those ghastly rafters,
His father sitting bewildered on the front steps,
As the cops ask him if he ever noticed that anything was wrong.

So it is a bit darker tonight than usual in southern California,
Angels have turned down their headlights in respect for the dead,
As Melissa sits on the hotel floor,
Feeling life crush her young body to the emotional brink of destruction,
I try to figure it all out and say stupid clichés over the phone to her,
Feeling helpless as I listen to her cry.
I want to take over all of her rage,
Destroy everything on the Earth while screaming “why”,
But then Jesus taps me on the shoulder,
And reminds me to turn my rage into peaceful prayer and thoughts,
That He is in control.
Soon her sobs turn to soft breathing, and I hang up the phone,
Knowing that she is safe and asleep in Peoria.

July huh?

So, I have not posted in this thing since July. Ooops. Thanks to MySpace for taking me away from all my other blogs (there are quite a few).

So.. what I've been up to.. my first semester at North Park in Chicago. My favorite course was International Politics even though it was the only B I got, thanks to a bad midterm grade; least favorite by far was Intro to Bible, which my prof taught as if it were grad school level, total BS. All in all, I ended up with a 3.75 GPA out of 4, impressive even to me. I wasn't expecting much about a 3.0. Thinking back, I could have gotten an almost perfect GPA if I'd tried a little harder and did less sleep and internet-surfing and probably less ditching class. Alas, 3.75 will do.

I really love my school. It took a few months to really settle in, but the structure and routine has been very healthy for me. Hitting the gym almost every day there too so I'm seeing a positive change in myself that way too. I've let go of a few "toxic" relationships, as one of my friends referred to them as, but am still holding on to one of them. Being honest with myself, I am not ready to walk away, even though he's made it clear what he wants from me (...wishing I had the courage or will to not give it to him). Just had an almost-relationship with a guy named John from Texas, but over Christmas break that all went to hell for many reasons. I'm still dusting myself off from that one, and am not "in the market" for a relationship at this point. I can hurt myself enough without looking for a guy to assist in the process, yknow?

So, I moved most of my stuff to the dorm today. I moved down the hall because my roomie Jen is going to Mexico for a semester to study, so I moved in with Djougine (Ju). I officially go back to school Tuesday, but will end up going sometime Monday to unpack more clothes. I'm going to try to get more settled in at school and stop going home so frequently. I was a definite hermit last semester while I went through the whole transition, but am planning on behaving differently this semester. I have less things making me want to spend time at home - some difficult family situations going on, and friends at "home" becoming more distant, too.

Got a new job... working weekends as a receptionist at a small real estate company in Lake in the Hills - quite far north, in McHenry county. It is enough to make my car payment and pay for gas and a movie here and there, and it's all I can manage with my crazy school schedule. Next semester holds - sociology, spanish 2, statistics (aaaah!) and a specialized NPU course that is mostly Literature. I think I will have more than enough to keep me busy.

K, that's all. Goodnight.

yay?

so yeah, this weekend was so good I'm sitting here still in a state of shock it went so well. I'm just smiling like crazy today, hehe. Yeah, of course it involves a boy. His name is Brian. I met him weeks ago at church and he's hung out with my group of friends quite a bit since, even though he has his own "posse" at church, too. They're definitely leaning more toward the conservative side, while my group.. well, let's just say we're liberal. I've been really enjoying getting to know this guy, so Thursday I emailed and said hey we should get a group of people together to go out Friday for dinner or somethin', and he wrote back that he didn't need a group of people and I should come over. So I did, lol. He's got a really cute one-bedroom condo and I was really surprised to see how similar our tastes are. His couch is awesome and totally something I'd pick out, and he even has a huge sunset pic over it.. quite like the posters and such I have in my room. He's got the typical big-screen tv and I looove it haha. Brian made me dinner (yummy steaks!) and then we headed over to the video store. He picked out dark water and I told him that the only way I'm watching that is if he holds my hand, and he was like "oh, that's no problem!" I think I blushed all the way out to the car. Since it was still early we grabbed a second movie when a stranger calls which I never had any desire to see, but I figured that dark water would scare me so thoroughly that it wouldn't matter at that point and that was precisely the case. We curled up on his couch, and cuddled through dark water - at the end, I buried my face in his shoulder and was like nooo more... because he suggested that they were gonna kill off someone else.. and he just laughed and smoothed my hair. It was just sweet. After the movies it was pretty late (1ish) so I told him I should go, and gave him a big hug and thanks for the evening and he gave me a quick, though still very nice, kiss. I was all giddy on the drive home, lol.
Saturday was awesome too. I got up early - ten - and picked Bess up in Barrington and brought her back to my place to swim. It was HOT out.. near 100. We floated around the pool listening to Better than Ezra, and then decided to call up her sort-of boyfriend Beau to see if he wanted to come over, and it ended up he was already in the town. We told him under no circumstances could he show up without booze and cigars (well, Bess added the cigars part, I don't smoke), so he came with a six pack of Mike's in tow. We drinked, talked, they smoked, and floated around the pool for a couple of hours. It was sooo nice! We had to all shower and get ready for church, then picked up Tony on the way. He and I got to catch up a bit on the drive, and of course he got all the "juicy details" about Brian out of me. I found Brian at church pretty quickly, and we sat together which actually seperated him from his group of friends.. I felt bad about that.. and then service was amazing. Great message. Great worship. Afterwards we had dinner at Buona Beef - that sucked cuz they had no AC and it was near 100 still - and then I drove Tony and Brian to Fernando's house in Gray's Lake. It was a long drive, and I had plenty of time to hold hands with Brian in the front seat because I only need one hand to drive, lol. Tony kept giving me these teasing little looks. Then at the party after a few drinks I pretty much passed out on the couch while everyone played spades - I have absolutely NO card game ability other than gin rummy. Around 1 they woke me up and I asked Brian to drive since I was soo out of it. I think it was mostly from being out in the sun most of the day. After nearly getting lost, we found 94 and took that back to the church, and I got a rather nice goodnight kiss from Brian. At that point I felt sure he was definitely interested in me. One kiss can go either way. Two kisses is different. That means you liked the first one enough to do it again:) On the way home, I hit a raccoon. That sucked. I thought it was a paper bag so I kind of got my wheels on either side of it.. and then it raised it's head. I'm thinkin' there is a headless raccoon out there now. I felt terrible, but it was 3:30 in the morning and I just wanted to get to bed, so I absolved myself of guilt by saying it was in the middle of the road and soo not my fault - that worked pretty well. Anyways. Sunday = my favorite day. I woke up around 11 when Bess called my cell to tell me she and Beau would be over later, and then Clay called probably around noonish to see what the plan was for the day. I stayed in my PJs til around 1, watching The OC that Brian lent me. I watched it til Brian got there and then we cuddled up on my bed (door open, which was dumb since my Mom walked by and did a bit of a double take and then I introduced them haha) and watched about half of the third episode. I had my head on his shoulder when Beau and Bess walked in, that was kinda funny. Everyone was really nice about letting Bri and I chill in the pool together for a while before they came in. The turnout for my little pool party was: Beau, Bess, Brian, Jil, Tony, Mike, DJ, and Clay. I hope I'm not leaving anyone out. Pretty much my "posse", except Mike who is one of Brian's best friends. We all hung out, talked, had pizza, drank, laughed.. til around 9 when things wrapped up a bit. I walked Brian to my room to get his car keys and promptly just grabbed him and kissed him and told him that I want to see him really, really soon. He was kissing me and was like maybe at my place instead? and kinda motioned to the sound of my mom walking past the door to sit on the front porch and I was like yes, definitely. It was cute. Fifteen minutes later, and after my mom walking past the open door and seeing us making out (that was great), I finally let him leave. He told me he'd call me after work and asked me when I get off work and stuff, like he actually cared enough to make sure he calls when he can reach me. I think that's sweet:) Anyways, I may go to his place tonight. I called Niles and cancelled on him for the evening but if Brian and I can't hang out, I will go over to see Niles and watch a movie. I don't get much time with him, but I knew that physically if he came over to my place something would happen and at this point I've decided to just see Brian, whether or not he's just seeing me or not. We haven't had the talk, it's too soon for that. But hopefully soon!

Anyway I am just too happy. This came kinda out of nowhere. On the 4th of July I realized I might have a little crush but I never thought anything would come of it. Then every time I've seen him since I've liked him a little bit more. Last weekend we went to see Pirates and I really wanted him to hold my hand the entire time.. so I knew then that I had definite feelings. But like I was tellin' my Jil last night, I've got plenty of time to get to know him and am not in a rush, I just enjoy every minute he's around. Which I hope may be later today. If not, maybe tomorrow. If that doesn't happen, I see him at church on Wednesday and then at Phil's surprise party:)

I gotta look like I'm working.....

Weekend :D

I just thought I'd make a quick entry to say that I had a very lovely weekend. I love the word lovely, for the record. It started off with purchasing two new cds that fit my mood perfectly - the new cc live one and jack's mannequin. I truly love the JM cd. it's just greaaaat summer music, I'll post some fun lyrics at some point! Friday I had a great day with Missy, swimming, watching Must Love Dogs, and just having some much needed girls only time! What an amazing girl, let me tell you, she is too awesome! Saturday was nice- I hung out with Niles for lunch at my favorite cafe in Wheaton and had the most amazing ham and egg stuffed crepes. We went back to his house and I recall watching something but can't remember what.. god, my memory sucks.. then we played DDR - that was my first real time playing besides goofing around in the arcade. I pretty much sucked but it was bunches of fun, and I'm sure I got a good workout. Niles is pretty damn good at it too! After that I hurried over to church; I had to be there early to greet 20-somethings in our section of the balcony at church. I got a shiny new Axis staff t-shirt, that was exciting, and it actually fit - shockingly because it's a size lower than what I usually wear. I greeted with Joanna, even though we were at the far door and practically no one was coming in that way. Service then was excellent! Prior to service they were playing Coldplay and Switchfoot - then came an amazing performance of the song Talk by Coldplay. I was very impressed. Sadly though, there were not all that many Axis attendees at main service, which is what I figured since this whole "format change" is total bullcrap.. but I'm trusting that somehow things will come together.

Mike Breaux taught about God's will - how it's less about a specific decision (ie: Who does God want me to marry? What job should I take? What school should I go to? -and if I don't figure out what God wants, then I'm outside of God's will for my life...) and more about keeping pursuing God at the center of your life- and then you're never out of God's will. Basically, God is still God and you are still God's child whether you take that job in a different state or not. Whether you marry that guy or not. God knows the course of your life because he knows everything, beginning and end, but I think the basic idea is that God's will is less about what you do and mostly about who you are. You could take a job you think God wants you take, and still be out of God's will because you are not who God designed you to be there. If that makes any sense. It makes perfect sense to me.

Afterwards we had a barbeque outside near the pond that they call a lake (lol). It was very nice. The rain held off for a couple hours so we all had a chance to chill and chat and eat burgers and hotdogs while they lasted. I was so happy to see Jen, Fred, Nick, and Greg there! Although Missy totally called out the awkwardness between Greg and I.. since I told him I liked him things have not been the same. But yknow, one of my girlfriends confirmed for me the other day how shitty it was for him to be taking me out one on one, paying for my movie ticket and stuff like that because it's misleading. Anyhoo, the bbq gave us some great community building time, and then after that, a few of us - me and a handful of guys including Brian who is just awesome - and DJ who is also way cool - went to see Pirates. We got there at 9 but had to see the 10:15. We got great seats, front row, but not the waaaay front where you have to stare up at the screen. The row that has the bar across the front, that makes a handy footrest, so I was psyched about that. I sat between Bri and DJ, two of my favorite boys as of late, and the movie was entertaining, though long. Some of the plot seemed contrived, but I wasn't complaining. If I have to pee twice during a movie, it is too long. Whatev.

Sunday I got up fairly early and picked up Missy. We went to Nicole's "host familys" house, where she is a live in nanny. She's from South Africa and she's just so adorable and sweet. She made us hot dogs for lunch and we hung out for a bit, and played with her host family's three month old black lab. Then over to volleyball where it was so hot I hardly played but enjoyed lounging and playing more with the puppy. Missy came over afterwards and we swam for a bit even though it was shady and not as hot at that point - and we watched half of Garden State. She'd never seen it. Hopefully she'll be coming over tonight to finish the movie!

So yeah it was a good weekend. I don't think I could ask for a better summer all in all, the way things have been going. Ups and downs as usual, but I'm extremely happy 90% of the time, though reflective and contemplative often. I don't always feel included in everything and sometimes I feel very much like I don't belong with certain groups even within the church, but then I think of the handful of amazing people I call true, good friends, and I feel ridiculously blessed by them. I'm also starting to become more pleased with who God has made me as a person, despite not being the most beautiful girl out there, or the smartest, or the funniest.. I'm finding out more and more that it's okay I'm not the best in every arena. Maybe one day there will even be a wonderful man who thinks I'm the best for him. Though, I don't need that to be right now if that's not how things are meant to happen in my life at the moment. There is a guy that I am interested in but I doubt that he'd be interested back cuz I just haven't felt that from him, and I still don't know him that well either. So, all things happen in their time, right?

Almost time to head home! I have felt so peaceful and rested all day today, thanks in part to a sleeping pill I took at 8pm last night. Almost 8 full hours of sleep last night, thanks be to God, seriously! I can't wait to get home and finish up my laundry and cleaning and just veg. Mondays and Thursdays are low-key and stress free generally.. I rarely have plans in those evenings, though I'm always up for movie-nights and going out to coffee or dinner with friends (note this, all friends reading this! haha).

Hope everyone is happy and well!

Me

oh, Leviticus, why are you so outdated?

Date: Jun 8, 2006 3:41 PM
Subject: The Word of God Spoken by Dr. Laura
Body: On her radio show recently, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two differentcrops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is unchanging.