What I want...
It's first thing in the morning, and I don't know why I feel like writing this, but whatever, it's my blog so shh. And honestly, if you are going to say something negative, then be quiet ;)
How do you open yourself to the possibility of meeting and getting to know new people and maybe even dating them when your exboyfriend is the sweetest and best guy you've ever met?
It does pose a problem. He's still my best friend. Every day we talk I get to see what I'm missing out on. I know I deserve better, someone that really wants me the same way I want him, but.. he's a very hard act to follow. I was talking to his other exgirlfriend last night and she said she felt basically he was just not ready for something serious but who knows what may happen in the future. I had to get that idea out of my head right away.. I need to realize that he knew exactly what I was willing to offer him and what I would devote to the relationship (everything), and it obviously was not enough. I know I will meet someone that eventually that will be somewhere near as wonderful as he is, but it's hard to give anyone the chance. Not when my head is always screaming "Don't like this guy, you'll just get hurt!" The truth is, any guy would have to really prove himself worthy of my trust. And he'd have to have certain character traits that I didn't realize I needed in a person til my ex.
It's a tall order...
Someone who makes me laugh until I almost fall out of my chair, preferrably with semi-dirty jokes and a slight sarcastic streak. He'd be able to make fun of himself and be lighthearted most of the time but also be kind to everyone, accepting and loving. He should be a total nerd sometimes, and like various stuff like Firefly and Scrubs and rent and indie music and artsy movies and graphic novels and be able to spout off random trivia about hilarious things [even one of these things would be a plus]. He should be willing to play Literati with me when I'm alone and bored out of my mind at work and even beat me at it sometimes. He should be able to tell me what word I'm looking for when I randomly IM him with a sentence like "I understand the < > but not the principle." He should be someone of faith and character, not in that he knows all the God "rules", but someone who really lives out his convictions. He should be willing to take me to a party at my work where he knows no one and order me a drink, knowing exactly what I want, and then keep my Midori sours coming all night and say something like "That's just what a boyfriend does." It would be nice if he offered to do things like pump gas for me even though I may not always agree... just because I'm a chick doesn't mean I'm useless. He should know if we live a distance from each other that I am tired of driving and offer to drive. He should be the kind of person who would drop everything to help a friend.. like if a good friend has a rough breakup he would be likely to tell me "I'm zonked.. I stayed up til 5am keeping < > company on the phone/internet." He should be willing to change his sheets if I'm staying the night because I'm a psycho about that stuff [but he wouldn't even complain about it], and if he snores, he should be willing to give me the bed and take the couch. He would say things like "Cheer up emo kid!" when I'm whining along with Something Corporate and Dashboard but ultimately not tell me to turn it off. Hopefully he would be creative in some way, perhaps writing, or art. I love contagious laughs.. he should have a great laugh. Oh, and beautiful eyes. I'd really love if he could go with me to church, and hold my hand. He's got to have a goofy streak and be slightly optimistic, or at the very least grateful for the little things. He should be an amazing kisser and make me forget everything else when he kisses me.
I could go on. I won't. You get the idea. When you find someone who's so ideal for you, how do really let that go? I mean, anything less than everything I just typed up would be settling. That would be more hurtful in the end to any guy I dated, to go into it knowing they're not all that I'm looking for. And it would hurt me too, because hurting other people is really the worst possible thing for me.
So, I got asked out the other day (Monday) by someone who seems like a perfectly nice guy. Was there an instant connection like with my ex? Not that I really noticed. Is it worth getting to know him to see if he could live up to my hopes? I'm trying to determine that. Normally I know right away, at least I did with the ex, so I'd like to feel that instantly and instictintually again. I've met a lot of nice guys lately.. I know they're out there but...
The kind of person I only briefly outlined above is the type who would make me want to give him everything. I don't think I'm being selfish here or even asking the world. I mean, he shouldn't try to be like all these things, that should just be him, or at least a lot of those characteristics. I would want to be everything that he was looking for, too. I don't want a perfect relationship, because imperfection is beautiful, but I just know now what I'm looking for and what I'm not. And I hope I never find what I'm looking for and lose it again.
It's okay to be scared, though, right?
How do you open yourself to the possibility of meeting and getting to know new people and maybe even dating them when your exboyfriend is the sweetest and best guy you've ever met?
It does pose a problem. He's still my best friend. Every day we talk I get to see what I'm missing out on. I know I deserve better, someone that really wants me the same way I want him, but.. he's a very hard act to follow. I was talking to his other exgirlfriend last night and she said she felt basically he was just not ready for something serious but who knows what may happen in the future. I had to get that idea out of my head right away.. I need to realize that he knew exactly what I was willing to offer him and what I would devote to the relationship (everything), and it obviously was not enough. I know I will meet someone that eventually that will be somewhere near as wonderful as he is, but it's hard to give anyone the chance. Not when my head is always screaming "Don't like this guy, you'll just get hurt!" The truth is, any guy would have to really prove himself worthy of my trust. And he'd have to have certain character traits that I didn't realize I needed in a person til my ex.
It's a tall order...
Someone who makes me laugh until I almost fall out of my chair, preferrably with semi-dirty jokes and a slight sarcastic streak. He'd be able to make fun of himself and be lighthearted most of the time but also be kind to everyone, accepting and loving. He should be a total nerd sometimes, and like various stuff like Firefly and Scrubs and rent and indie music and artsy movies and graphic novels and be able to spout off random trivia about hilarious things [even one of these things would be a plus]. He should be willing to play Literati with me when I'm alone and bored out of my mind at work and even beat me at it sometimes. He should be able to tell me what word I'm looking for when I randomly IM him with a sentence like "I understand the < > but not the principle." He should be someone of faith and character, not in that he knows all the God "rules", but someone who really lives out his convictions. He should be willing to take me to a party at my work where he knows no one and order me a drink, knowing exactly what I want, and then keep my Midori sours coming all night and say something like "That's just what a boyfriend does." It would be nice if he offered to do things like pump gas for me even though I may not always agree... just because I'm a chick doesn't mean I'm useless. He should know if we live a distance from each other that I am tired of driving and offer to drive. He should be the kind of person who would drop everything to help a friend.. like if a good friend has a rough breakup he would be likely to tell me "I'm zonked.. I stayed up til 5am keeping < > company on the phone/internet." He should be willing to change his sheets if I'm staying the night because I'm a psycho about that stuff [but he wouldn't even complain about it], and if he snores, he should be willing to give me the bed and take the couch. He would say things like "Cheer up emo kid!" when I'm whining along with Something Corporate and Dashboard but ultimately not tell me to turn it off. Hopefully he would be creative in some way, perhaps writing, or art. I love contagious laughs.. he should have a great laugh. Oh, and beautiful eyes. I'd really love if he could go with me to church, and hold my hand. He's got to have a goofy streak and be slightly optimistic, or at the very least grateful for the little things. He should be an amazing kisser and make me forget everything else when he kisses me.
I could go on. I won't. You get the idea. When you find someone who's so ideal for you, how do really let that go? I mean, anything less than everything I just typed up would be settling. That would be more hurtful in the end to any guy I dated, to go into it knowing they're not all that I'm looking for. And it would hurt me too, because hurting other people is really the worst possible thing for me.
So, I got asked out the other day (Monday) by someone who seems like a perfectly nice guy. Was there an instant connection like with my ex? Not that I really noticed. Is it worth getting to know him to see if he could live up to my hopes? I'm trying to determine that. Normally I know right away, at least I did with the ex, so I'd like to feel that instantly and instictintually again. I've met a lot of nice guys lately.. I know they're out there but...
The kind of person I only briefly outlined above is the type who would make me want to give him everything. I don't think I'm being selfish here or even asking the world. I mean, he shouldn't try to be like all these things, that should just be him, or at least a lot of those characteristics. I would want to be everything that he was looking for, too. I don't want a perfect relationship, because imperfection is beautiful, but I just know now what I'm looking for and what I'm not. And I hope I never find what I'm looking for and lose it again.
It's okay to be scared, though, right?
posted by Oblivion.. at 8:16 AM
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