I am still living with your ghost
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast
I don't want to be your downtime
I don't want to be your stupid game

With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe I'll find myself a new place
I don't want to be the bad guy
I don't want do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to see some palm trees
I will try and shake away this disease

We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die

I am still dreaming of your face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away
I don't want to be your good time
I don't want to be your fall-back crutch anymore

I'll walk right out into a brand new day
Insane and rising in my own weird way
I don't want to be the bad guy
I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore

I just want to feel some sunshine
I just want to find some place to be alone

What I want...

It's first thing in the morning, and I don't know why I feel like writing this, but whatever, it's my blog so shh. And honestly, if you are going to say something negative, then be quiet ;)

How do you open yourself to the possibility of meeting and getting to know new people and maybe even dating them when your exboyfriend is the sweetest and best guy you've ever met?

It does pose a problem. He's still my best friend. Every day we talk I get to see what I'm missing out on. I know I deserve better, someone that really wants me the same way I want him, but.. he's a very hard act to follow. I was talking to his other exgirlfriend last night and she said she felt basically he was just not ready for something serious but who knows what may happen in the future. I had to get that idea out of my head right away.. I need to realize that he knew exactly what I was willing to offer him and what I would devote to the relationship (everything), and it obviously was not enough. I know I will meet someone that eventually that will be somewhere near as wonderful as he is, but it's hard to give anyone the chance. Not when my head is always screaming "Don't like this guy, you'll just get hurt!" The truth is, any guy would have to really prove himself worthy of my trust. And he'd have to have certain character traits that I didn't realize I needed in a person til my ex.

It's a tall order...

Someone who makes me laugh until I almost fall out of my chair, preferrably with semi-dirty jokes and a slight sarcastic streak. He'd be able to make fun of himself and be lighthearted most of the time but also be kind to everyone, accepting and loving. He should be a total nerd sometimes, and like various stuff like Firefly and Scrubs and rent and indie music and artsy movies and graphic novels and be able to spout off random trivia about hilarious things [even one of these things would be a plus]. He should be willing to play Literati with me when I'm alone and bored out of my mind at work and even beat me at it sometimes. He should be able to tell me what word I'm looking for when I randomly IM him with a sentence like "I understand the < > but not the principle." He should be someone of faith and character, not in that he knows all the God "rules", but someone who really lives out his convictions. He should be willing to take me to a party at my work where he knows no one and order me a drink, knowing exactly what I want, and then keep my Midori sours coming all night and say something like "That's just what a boyfriend does." It would be nice if he offered to do things like pump gas for me even though I may not always agree... just because I'm a chick doesn't mean I'm useless. He should know if we live a distance from each other that I am tired of driving and offer to drive. He should be the kind of person who would drop everything to help a friend.. like if a good friend has a rough breakup he would be likely to tell me "I'm zonked.. I stayed up til 5am keeping < > company on the phone/internet." He should be willing to change his sheets if I'm staying the night because I'm a psycho about that stuff [but he wouldn't even complain about it], and if he snores, he should be willing to give me the bed and take the couch. He would say things like "Cheer up emo kid!" when I'm whining along with Something Corporate and Dashboard but ultimately not tell me to turn it off. Hopefully he would be creative in some way, perhaps writing, or art. I love contagious laughs.. he should have a great laugh. Oh, and beautiful eyes. I'd really love if he could go with me to church, and hold my hand. He's got to have a goofy streak and be slightly optimistic, or at the very least grateful for the little things. He should be an amazing kisser and make me forget everything else when he kisses me.

I could go on. I won't. You get the idea. When you find someone who's so ideal for you, how do really let that go? I mean, anything less than everything I just typed up would be settling. That would be more hurtful in the end to any guy I dated, to go into it knowing they're not all that I'm looking for. And it would hurt me too, because hurting other people is really the worst possible thing for me.

So, I got asked out the other day (Monday) by someone who seems like a perfectly nice guy. Was there an instant connection like with my ex? Not that I really noticed. Is it worth getting to know him to see if he could live up to my hopes? I'm trying to determine that. Normally I know right away, at least I did with the ex, so I'd like to feel that instantly and instictintually again. I've met a lot of nice guys lately.. I know they're out there but...

The kind of person I only briefly outlined above is the type who would make me want to give him everything. I don't think I'm being selfish here or even asking the world. I mean, he shouldn't try to be like all these things, that should just be him, or at least a lot of those characteristics. I would want to be everything that he was looking for, too. I don't want a perfect relationship, because imperfection is beautiful, but I just know now what I'm looking for and what I'm not. And I hope I never find what I'm looking for and lose it again.

It's okay to be scared, though, right?

jumbled thoughts

I really want to update here, but I don't know how to organize it. Let's just do this:

1) I'm SURE I bombed my math test yesterday. My teacher is a psycho, and I hate hate her. I went home and sobbed. I don't even want to know how badly I did.

2) Last night's axis_elements went all right but I felt kinda out of place. Everyone is nice, but it's hard to open up about how I feel about a lot of things because I am used to judgment. We did an exercise where we were supposed to circle words we knew to be true of God, like when we are praying, how do we think he is towards us? There were all these adjectives and I blanked out and then kept coming up with opposites.. Loving but Far, kind but harsh.. it was like all the old adjectives of my image of God (old as in before this year - growing up, my childhood, the extreme fundamentalist churches I was raised in) surfaced.. judgmental, harsh.. and these words are getting in the way of me fully understanding God is affirming, accepting, loving, and kind.

3) Other thoughts... someone recently told me that if God does not judge (I'm talking your run of the mill Left-Behind type day-of-judgment thing) then what motivates us to right action? I was just floored by this comment, because obeying or loving God out of fear of judgment is one of the worst motivations I can think of. If I am good or loving or pure or well intentioned or any of that stuff, it is because Jesus was that example and the Spirit within me motivates action because it is right. It has nothing to do with eternity. God's love is a very motivating thing. We did nothing to earn it, and I've been thinkin' a lot lately about how He gave it to us before we ever could have deserved it. How when Jesus got baptised and God's spirit came down as a dove to say God was well pleased, Jesus had not done *any* ministry at that point. When we really feel God's love how can we not love other people in light of that love?

4) I have also had on my mind a lot lately that we need to be careful with the Image of God we project to non-Christians. I don't believe in flat-out missionary stuff, just going out and preaching. I think that you have to develop real relationships with people to determine how to best "minister" to them, and often it's just by our being loving towards them. But I've noticed in my church background and also my family background that the fundamentalist types tend to portray an image of God to people, that tries to make them fear Hell or Eternity or Judgment. Frankly, if I had never been in the church and I was an unbeliever, that image would sure as hell (pun not intended) not make me want to further investigate this God dude. Many people, including myself, are not too concerned about what's *after* this life; what we really care about is this life and how this God person is going to effect it. So maybe we need to make sure people know that being a Christian is about God's unchanging love for us -- that can give us a sense of purpose and freedom and security, that has nothing to do with the afterlife and everything to do with this very instant.

5) *pulls out soapbox* I was thinking more about the blog that Tanya linked to in one of her latest entries about birth control. I am feeling very appreciative we live in a society and a culture where women have control over their destinies in a way we didn't used to. For a long time, the grand purpose of any woman was to bear a ton of children, obviously because we were in an agricultural period and families survived through having children to work. The bible was written in a time period where that's how women were seen, that was their duty. That's just how it was. To hold women in 2006 to ideas/standards from a completely different cultural context is just completely wrong. Progress is healthy, ideal, and *good* -- progress has taken human rights a lot closer to where they should be, than it was in bible times. This includes women and the opportunities they have at their disposal. We don't have to just be Moms now; it's not a forced thing. I'm sure motherhood is *wonderful* and may even discover that myself one day; but it's not the sole purpose for females anymore and it's not the only thing they can be. The power to control procreation is completely amazing when you look at the fact not so long ago, we couldn't even vote. That's progress! It's positive! Just because things aren't how they were in Bible times doesn't mean we're further from God's plan for us-- God's plan IS equal rights, human rights! Anyone who thinks that birth control is against God is highly mistaken, and I'd be willing to bet most of them are men, or women who have been put down so long by men they no longer think they can control their destinies and choices. Any man that thinks every time he gets some within a relationship/marriage, the couple [read: his wife or girlfriend] should be "open" to procreating from that experience, needs to push a 7 pound human being through his genitals. This blogger said that sex is for the purposes of oneness and procreation. And not only is that crap, but it's totally an old-school Catholic idea that is immensely outdated, overly simplistic. and this particular blogger implied it's sinful to want to have sex (with protection) during a woman's ovulation because you are denying one of the reasons to have sex to begin with. *chuckles a little* I mean, it's so archaic that I don't even think I need to justify it with a response.
I wish that birth control was passed around like Advil and was as easy to get ahold of. There would be so much less abortion, if women took charge of their sexuality and their right as a female to protect herself. I think it's inconscienable to deny her of that right or dissuade her from preventative measures to ensure she doesn't have a baby when she's not ready to... just because you are holding her to archaic standards from 2K years ago. If you're going to have an anti-birth control opinion, you better back it up with something.
Just my opinion, of course :) I'm glad to have read that blog because it got me thinking more about the subject, and that's always a good thing.. to form opinions and gain an awareness of issues.

*big smile*

Niles says: Sex stopped being for procreation once we started having complex emotions.

How much do I love this guy?!

6) I am going to go e-mail Altamash now (cute Pakistani guy that asked for my # the other day!). I want to reassure him a little, so that he'll have the nerve to actually call. We exchanged e-mails and numbers.

Later!!

obligatory monday-AM post

I'mma get the complaining out first. I have had a headache since yesterday at 3pm. I've tried anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxers, advil, insane amounts of caffeine so far this AM, and as of tomorrow I'll try the chiropractor. Which kinda sucks because tomorrow is my day off this week and I have a big math test, and didn't want to have to take my 2-3 spare afternoon hours tomorrow to go see the chiro. Ew, in fact, maybe I won't. It's Doc working, not Jamie. I don't like her nearly as much. Ugh, forget that. Here's hoping it goes away before tomorrow.

Anyhoo.

This weekend was good. Friday after work I took a realllly long, hot shower, and afterwards it felt like the forces of the universe were working towards not allowing me rest. I had determined I was not gonna do anything but catch up on rest, and as soon as I started dozing off around 5 my friend Jen called, but I couldn't find the phone and missed her call and started falling back aseep. Then 6:15 rolls around and the phone rings again - number I didn't recognize. The caller goes, Hey do you know who this is? and I'm like dude I have no idea but you just woke me up, lol. It was Ryan! This guy that Laura and I were friends with in high school when we were homeschooled. We were buddies with him and his friend Chris. Our parents would make us go out bowling with the homeschool group and the four of us would escape and walk around the city we bowled in for hours. One night we got in so much trouble because we were late getting back and no one knew where we were, haha. They were two of the nicest guys ever. I went to ska shows with them, too, except Laura's mom wouldn't let her go. I remember we went to see the W's (?) - they sang this goofy song "the devil is bad". I was rockin' my Jnco's (sp?) - each leg was bigger than my entire body and they had this one blue "wave" pattern down the front/side. I loved those things. and I stole my dad's big white dress shirts and wore a necktie to one of the shows. Yes, I was Avril Lavigne. Haha. Urgh. Anyway Ryan and I caught up and he invited me out to billiards with he and his fiancee, but I realized my hair was wet and up in a towel still and frizzed, and there was no way I could pull myself together in time, so I turned him down and told him definitely next weekend or something. It was hard to say no, but I knew I needed to rest. I put on PJs and curled up in bed with the remote. I got through last week's Lost.. OMG.. Sawyer.. you're so naughty yet I adore you so.. *sigh* It was insane. Watched some SVU and Crossing Jordan, and then turned out the lights around 10:30. Fell asleep. Then at midnight my phone rang. Oh, for the love of Bog, right? I should stop telling people they can call me til midnight. It was Nick, my friend Andrea's brother, who's like a brother to me. He was just getting off work (at the tattoo shop) and wanted to hang out but I told him I was already asleep. We talked for about half an hour about the stupidity of Valentine's Day and how the timing always sucks for us with relationships, but there must be a reason they -relationships- keep falling apart. Finally I was back asleep about 12:30.

At 10am, my phone rang -again-. It was Jen and I made sure to answer because she and I have been playing phone tag lately. She was on her way home from the gym, and we had a really nice discussion about how our past experiences make it easier to comfort and be there for other people going through similiar situations etcetc. She's a very cool girl. After the phone call, I got ready for my day, and then headed over to Tim's house. Not the Tim I've talked about previously; this is a new guy who has been helping me with math, and it was his birthday and he wanted to see me, so I agreed. Urgh, I know he likes me but... he's not really a Christian - he is - but I think he's from a catholic background and he never goes to church or anything like that, so I'm thinkin' *real* hard before I even consider anything more than friends. I told him that I am not interested in dating anyone right now, because I didn't want to get into the faith-conversation. So, he and I chatted, had some lunch, and watched Phantom of the Opera, which was *fantastic* - I can't believe I didn't want to see it! My token gay friend will be so happy to hear I saw it!

Then I rushed rushed rushed to church in the snow. It took me 45 minutes to get from St. Charles to Barrington, and I got to church *right* in time. I met up with Fernando and Andy in the lobby and was soo happy to see them. We caught up real fast, then hooked up with Jen and headed inside to "our row" apparently - front left. Worship began and finally Lupe and Adrian arrived.. both had been stuck in traffic.. and that was the group of us, minus Fred, who was gonna be late. The poor guy has had quite a week. The service started and one of our leaders Shane was talking about debate for some reason and he said we were gonna play a game that required participation (ugh). It was basically three categories of which we liked better, and he asked us to raise our hands for which group we preferred - cubs or sox, lost or 24, and somethin' else. I was one of few that raised mine for Lost, and then Shane called me up onto stage. Eeeeek. Andy and Lupe had to PUSH me up there. I'm petrified of public speaking, crowds, stages, you name it, and I'm afraid of it. I trudged up there and fortunately knew the girl, Wendy, I was "debating" with.. that was helpful. So I had to speak into the mic and say why lost was better and all I could come up with is that it's the best ensemble cast out there right now and there are surprises every week, you never know what's going to happen, and threw in somethin' about Sawyer with the guns and how I wasn't even expecting that. Of course Wendy kicked my arse in the debate by simply asking what would Jack do? LOL. Oh well! The point is, I was on stage in front of hundreds of people and I didn't panic and run off. That's a positive step! Wheee.

The message was about how Jesus healed the leper, and how he first touched him before healing him, and talking about that being how God is with us -- while we're still gross and broken and sinful, he touches us. Anyway, it was a great message, and they showed a bunch of disgusting pictures of people with lepersy (sp?) which was kinda good for me because I have such an interest in medicine and diseases and such. Grossest thing ever ---> Lepers lose feeling in their limbs, mostly fingers and toes.. so in third world countries, lepers often have them gnawed off by rats in the middle of the night, and since they can't feel it to like, push them off, they wake up with parts of their bodies gone. I bet you didn't know that? Tuck that away in the "disgusting things you never really wanted to know" category. After the service, we split up. Lupe, Adrian, Greg, and I headed downstairs to a Good Sense meeting. It was a group of four guys trying to get info on how 20-somethings feel about money. They just wanted our opinions, and views on how to start up a ministry geared towards our age group about good stewardship. We all probably went for the free pizza and pop ;) We discussed some lighthearted questions, like what we'd do with a million dollars [my answers: buy a few houses, one of the west coast, one on the east coast overlooking the ocean where I could write all day, and bank enough money to take trips to and from africa. I'd keep enough to live comfortably and use the rest for ministry. I'd go around and do public speaking to college campuses about what we can do to help end the AIDS pandemic.] and more serious ones like how we would feel if in five years our spending/saving habits/money situation was the same as it is now. I'm anticipating having a crapload of college loans in 5 years, so my financial outlook is pretty sour right now. Anyway, it was a good meeting but it lasted til after nine. Then the group of us plus two guys I didn't really know - Greg and ohman I forgot his name - got together to do our Bible study. We're plugging through Romans. I discovered that Adrian and I's beliefs differ greatly; he's rather fundamentalist (there's nothing wrong with that) and believes in VERY historical gender roles for marriage and family. I personally believe gender roles are not a good thing and people should make their own identities without worrying that society tells them they should be another way. Anyhoo. I found myself agreeing very much with a lot of what Andy said, which didn't surprise me. When we met over Chase Phrase I knew I'd be able to relate to him. I in fact confided in him my pro gay rights stance and how I feel like the phrase love the sinner hate the sin lends itself to judgment. He seems to be a lil' more moderate [if not, respectful of my moderacy]; I love that. I got a lot of GREAT info from Fred, a theology student, about the kind of culture/society that was going on when Paul wrote his letter to the romans. It helps to understand the background info when you're reading the Bible.

[I'm still struggling with the concept of God's wrath. Whether the people in Bible times who wrote the Bible just needed to believe in God's wrath because their culture was so much militaristic and they wanted a God of power and judgment.. or whether God really has wrath.]

At around 10:45 we [minus Andy who lives an hour away] got out of church and headed to
TGIF's. It was insanely busy thanks to Turnabout and we ended up at IHOP cuz we didn't want to wait. I sat by Fred and had a side conversation while Lupe and Adrian debated gender roles (believe me, I don't want to get into it with Adrian. He's stubborn as a bull and raised in a culture where men are dominant and believes in the traditional woman being submissive thing... I was raised to believe I submit only to God). I told Fred that I'm in a unique position having been married before to have a viewpoint about control/submission, and realized when I saw the look on his face that I hadn't told him I'd been divorced. Jen and Andy both knew, I believe, from our convo during Catch Phrase. So I told him the basics, and he was like, I knew there was something different about you than any other 21 year old I've met. Through talking to you I get the impression you've had a lot of brokenness in your life, and this explains that.. etc. He told me it sounds like I'm doing very well with the whole thing and that I don't seem like a bitter person because of it and gave me "props" for that. Anyway, the conversation was definitely brutal because I felt led to confide in him quite a bit to explain my opinion on the whole marriage thing. But hey, it was a great conversation, he was very encouraging to me, and I tried my best to encourage him as well about his nervousness of delivering a sermon at axis_elements, the Tuesday group I go to. We all sat in IHOP til 1, and then I went home to bed by 2.

Sunday morning I got up at 9 and got ready for church. I agreed to go to Harvest with Adrian and Lupe, and my buddy Jon met me at my house at 10:30 so we could carpool there. Worship was great, and led by a fantastic choir, and the sermon was on good stewardship - funny huh? It was very tastefully done, and didn't sound like a demand for tithe, either. The pastor made sure we knew that he knows nothing about the tithes from the church and none of it goes to his paycheck, etc. I found it a very interesting message, and it did make me think through the whole tithe thing. I have never tithed, but after reading through a lot of Proverbs on money I've decided I need to 1) make a budget 2) start saving up some money and 3) begin giving 5-10% (I guess it depends on what my budget comes out to..) to "God's work". I don't think I will do all 10% to my church, though. I'd like to find an AIDS cause to begin donating to monthly. Through the Good Sense meeting Saturday at church they seemed to find no fault with donating to "God's work" rather than just to "God's church", and we should pray about where to put our money towards. The other thing I could do, and the leader of Good Sense approved of this one, would be to start putting a certain % a month off to the side to save for a missions trip. I just found out about a March trip to Kenya to work as AIDS advocates; it's 3500 dollars. It could take me YEARS to save that much. But if I don't start now, I'll never get to go. The only thing I *could* do would be to gain employment someplace like Mercy Ships where I'd be an actual employee 9-5 or whatever, they always need secretaries.. and then volunteer off-hours. That's at least a summer commitment if not a six-month commitment, and that would HAVE to be either between my bachelors and masters, or next summer, which probably won't happen. I'm still too young and too afraid. So I'm thinking it would be like... the summer of 2008 or 2009. But yeah. After church, Jon and I had some us-time. We went to Potbelly and had a long discussion about church and how the only constant within church should be change if the spirit is really moving. Then back to my house. We curled up in bed with my doggie [who loooves Jon] and watched a bit of a movie. I guess I fell asleep cuz later he told me he tucked me in and left, hehe. I have great friends :O) I always have a good friend to cuddle with, you know? It makes me feel very blessed. When I woke up, I took a shower and then got cozy with the heating pad, because I had the worst headache ever. Mom and I watched Desperate Housewives (she was looking online for jobs at the same time but I heard her chuckle a few times.. despite her hate of the concept of the show) and then Dad came in to watch Grey's Anatomy with us. IT... FREAKING... ROCKED. One of the best hours of TV I have seen in A LONG TIME. It was amazing... I'm still speechless! The hot guy from Office Space played a bomb squad dude and when he got the bomb down the hallway.. he a'sploded! It was terrible! I was sobbing. I love that guy! As soon as I saw him walking down the hall I knew he was gonna die. OMG. Heh. And finally Izzy and Alex got it on, lol, in a linen closet - that was hilarious. He's sooo cute, can I just say -- I think I like him more than McDreamy. Meredith and McDreamy had a really cool scene together where he reminded her about their last kiss. ::sniffle::

So, that leads me to here. Monday morning. 10:50. I'm taking break in 10 minutes to go home to get the heating pad and Percocet. I hurt soo bad. I'm trying to numb the pain with a mix Jimmy Eat World, Foo Fighters, Ryan Adams, and Deathcab for Cutie. It's not working, but I am succeeding in annoying all the students in the office by humming along with Transatlanticism. That gives me some amount of pleasure. Breaktime.. Later!!

Be who you are.

http://modesty.blogspot.com/

You should go to the link to read the latest entry (and the comment I had to it as well) but if you are too lazy, here it is. This is written by a guy in a Christian band I dig. This is really inspirational to me, and I thought maybe other people might enjoy it as well.


Saturday, January 28, 2006
well behaved (people) never make history

i recently received a letter asking me about the subject of fitting in.
i declare that the investment of being socially accepted has little or no return; in other words the value of fitting in makes no logical sense in the course of time.
yet we persist to no avail.
i remember the two events that led to my eventual departure from the ‘popular crowd’ to the separation of their church and my state.
i was in 8th grade, dennison middle school, mrs. h’s class. her history classes were rather boring, and being that i was of the hyperactive mentality i was not doing so well.
because i came from (at that time) a lower socioeconomic status, where money was reserved for more important staples like milk, bread, and cheerios. needless to say my fashion sense suffered, and i felt inadequate next to the children of the upper class. one night my family set out to lakeland (an adjacent town) to visit ross, a discount clothing store for discontinued or disfigured garments. for us this was a big deal since it was one step up from goodwill or the salvation army. being that i desired so desperately to attend the surrounding style i knew i had to buy a ‘tommy hilfiger’ (an ‘all american’ apparel company) anything or everything.
my family gave me the usual spending limit and i had abandon all other staples, (such as socks, undergarment, and cheerios) for one and only one shirt. it was red and white striped, long sleeved tommy hilfiger shirt. i didn't want the shirt because it looked ‘cool’, in retrospect it may have been the worst piece ever in my wardrobe even at that time. i desired the shirt beyond anything because it had the hilfiger symbol on the left pocket that symbolized to all others “i am of worth,’ or so i desperately wanted. it didn’t.
you see all the lines in the shirt were vertical red and white but on the right sleeve the lines irregularly tilted towards the vertical. i thought no one would notice, i hoped that they would just concentrate on the branding i bought myself into. so here i spent all of my money in one place, on one shirt, and yet they did not focus on my new found importance, but that one sleeve did not match the rest of the shirt.
to this day, if anyone knows me personally they could tell you that i don’t wear any clothing where there is a symbol or branding of any company anywhere on my clothes if i can help it at all. i never want someone to feel less important or desirable even if your outfit may look the same as mine, but i announce to the world that i paid more by hosting a logo.
the second major event in the series of lifelong heckling happened around the same time. i wore payless boat shoes, not because they have ever been a fashion icon but because at pay-less shoe stores they cost about US13$. they were blue and the white sides would begin to crumble and virtually peel off as soon as you carried them outside the store.
a popular girl named amanda, whom i never will forget, made sure that when i walked into class the following day that she point it out to the entire classroom. “hey stephen, nice nike’s.” it was in that moment of collective classroom laughter that i realized that it was all pointless, i had tried the business of fitting in for years and no matter how hard i tried to buy into the system, the system never invested into me. from then on i converted the majority of my clothing to black, read and wrote, kept my head down, and was known as ‘the quiet kid’ in my high school career.
but looking back i would not have had it any other way. you see, the more i study history the more i realize that those who live their lives in the pursuit of making others accept them never make history at all. they have concentrated on promoting themselfs socially and not on what truly matters (such as knowledge, wisdom, and understanding).
look through history, it is the ‘troublemakers’ that stand out and change the world; some for good, some for worse. as a bumper sticker i once read exclaimed “well behaved women never make history.”
ghandi stood up. innocently enough through peaceful means he took down the british empire in india. the caste system he was born into made it readily available to live a very comfortable lifestyle, one that the british rule would not affect much. he could have ‘fit in’ or been comfortable in the situation he was in.
but... he didn’t stay in the mold, or follow the sheep. he became an individual.
one person -making history.
the list of men and women like this goes on; from joan of arc to martin luther each standing up as an individual. each not letting those that surround them (or the popular opinion) sway who they were or who they became.
time has taught me many lessons. but instead of going along with what others demanded of me socially i was freed to (as my mother would say) march to the beat of a different drummer. one of my greatest accomplishments is the fact that i turned my back on what others wanted me to become and in exchange changed into what i knew i could become. i am my own budha, i am my own judas iscariot, i am my own worst nightmare and best dream. i am a colossal failure, i am my greatest success, but at the end of the day i am me.
i am me.
be who you are.
-esteban

Axis Retreat - part two :O)

Where did I leave off? I think I left off purposely at the prophesy which was taped and I intend to transcribe later tonight and post of it. So, after prayer was dinner which was set up formally. All our meals prior were, show up, sit down, someone brings the plate. I ended up at a table with Jen, Fernando, Lupe, and actually several people I didn't know.

At some point we ended up meeting Fred and Adrian. They are both awesome. Fred goes to Moody to pursue theology. The first thing I noticed about him were his friendly eyes - he just looks like he's done a lot of laughing in his life so far... he just seemed very warm. Adrian is this amazing guy who has been living here I believe five years - he was born in Romania.. I noticed first the thousand watt smile that's *always* on his face. His laugh is this awesome jovial guffaw. It's great! That evening we all had a fantastic dinner than included our own communion at our table - we broke the bread ourselves, poured the juice, and actually took it as part of our meal, and instead of focusing internally we were told to take it in community - you know, during conversation. Oh, oh. Matt - our worship leader - was sittin with us. We had a huge discussion of our worship songs and what works and what doesn't and he told us about living in London - omg, I wish I could go there for 6 months like he did.. his wife was on rotation at her job and had to go international for 6 months to learn that part of the business. He said he did "nothing" but sightsee, write songs, and study (theology). Wow.. to get to talk to this guy who seriously I've only stared up at on the stage and had an idea or a concept of who he is based on the things he'd say before songs... it's really a feeling of being very included. Anyway. Dinner was one of the most enjoyable meals of my life, I think. We just had several individuals we didn't know end up at the table and then had really open, honest conversations that I don't think often happen.Then we went right to the room we convened in and we had worship. Not just like, sit in your chair and sing worship. It was just an open room and we were instructed to do whatEVER we wanted to do, however we needed to worship. In freedom. Some people laid down. Some sat. Some like me stood the entire time. And honestly, I have never heard such a (small) group of people - 200-250 of us, in a relatively too-big room, fill a room with such loud praise. It was amazing, seriously. I couldn't help but notice Adrian too, he was almost right in front of me and he was kneeling and I could hear his beautiful accent singing and just.. honestly it kinda touched me in this weird way. Like the intimacy of the moment in the whole room was overwhelming. Everyone was like... unguarded. I know it sounds funny >.>

After worship Lupe and I hooked up with Adrian, Jen and Fred again and mutually decided to play Mafia. I love Mafia! We got a group together, and we played for quite a while -it was sooo fun. Lots of people I didn't know were playing and it really gave me the opportunity to get to hang out with cool new people and get to know them. I got to know Jen a lot better and it turns out she is into missions! She is like me, she doesn't want to go to some foreign country and tell them they're wrong in how they live and just randomly tell them about God from some streetcorner; she wants to go teach and make friendships and relationships and share God's love by DOING things for them, and answering any questions they have about God. She's amazing. She has almost gone to three different places in the last year and had it fall through due to paperwork, funding, and in one case, civil war. She said that through the weekend God had revealed to her that it is NOT her time to go anywhere, and that she needs to stay and develop the relationship with Him further. I think it's great cuz she seems to really want to do this but she is doing it FOR God and letting Him change her mind. I admired that so much. AND she has connections with a group that sends missionaries to Africa. I told her prior to her telling me that, that I have been waiting to go to hopefully Uganda because I feel when the time is right, God is gonna drop the opportunity right in my lap and *demand* I take it. He will make the way - he just WILL. And that so far, nothing has come along. And then she said maybe she's supposed to be that sign or whatever. She told me that she went through training for the trips and that in itself was sooooo advantageous and informative and it definitely lets you see if you're ready or not. She encouraged me to hook up with a group and do some training to see if I'm *ready*. I couldn't believe I just randomly met this girl, you know? I told her I'd love to have lunch with her sometime and hear more about her experiences, her networking/connections, and why she feels led to go overseas, etc. Because people treat me like I'm nuts when I finally reveal to them that God put a country I like, never heard of before on my mind when I was younger out of nowhere. I mean - Uganda. WHY Uganda? *shrug* So maybe I'm not nuts? After Mafia quieted down around 11, Adrian and I were sitting in the corner talking. I noticed in the weekend that I got to know people on a level that I don't normally get to know a stranger, you know? He told me about his family; his coming here; his job (home repair stuff); living with a roommate he can't stand; his feelings about the prayer/prophesy, etc. (basically that it was going to be like a fortune cookie that just compliments you or whatever) -- just stuff that went a lot deeper than I expected it to. I told him some of what they had told me in the prayer room, and how scared I was to have gone without knowing a soul. Jen, he and Fred came together basically. They've known each other for a while. Then he told me he goes to church at Harvest on Sundays with Fred and Jen and Fred's brother and that he loves Axis but gets great Sunday teaching from Harvest, and invited me to go with them. So I said yes. I told him I love the city but have no one to show me around in my own city. Neither of us has had company to go to museums or the Shedd aquarium or anything and I mentioned that I had been wanting to go there to Shedd for some time but had no one to go with too. So I totally hope that we get to hang out and go to Shedd sometime.

OK so I'll let on one thing the prayer people said to me. He said, "Are you a dancer? Because I just... I feel like you are. But that you are holding back. And I think maybe you need to turn on some music in your room, shut the door, and do your thing joyfully in front of God. I think He would be blessed by that and so would you. You have to ask yourself what you're waiting for. Why you hold back." And I just laughed so hard (in a good way) because dancing is the one thing that I just find fun that I *can't* do because of self consciousness (ok, along with wearing a swimsuit in public...). To hear that God... God WANTS me to dance. He WANTS me to quit hiding in the corner hating myself. He WANTS me to do it. It was so interesting and.. freeing. After Adrian and I talked for about an hour Fred said he was going to bed, and Lupe and I were walkin around withAdrian and Nate.. we passed by the bar at the resort there, and Bon Jovi's umm "You Give Love a Bad Name" came on. I paused and Lupe, who is this hip, dance-like-nobodys-watching Latina grabs my hand and says, "I'm not tired. You wanna go in?" Adrian and Nate followed us into the bar/lounge and Lupe was like "This is for stupid boys!" and we danced around a bit and sang. We were just goin to go in for one song but we ended up staying quite a while. They played a song that just cracks me up ["What is love, baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more"] so I started mock-dancing like that awful comedy the song is in.. and Lupe pulls me out onto the dance floor and I just proceeded to bust a move. For like two hours. Lupe scolded me for saying I have no rhythm, which I've been told REPEATEDLY that I don't have so I mean, I thought I didn't, but apparently I do. Finally around 1:45 we called it a night and Adrian walked us to our room and we said goodnight. Ann and Serena were asleep so Lupe and I got in bed quietly and we talked in whispers for about an hour. We talked about how thankful we were to find someone we can relate to so strongly, and she thanked me. Said that she was honored I would trust her so quickly and that I was so friendly and warm all weekend, and how I are such an extrovert, so outgoing. All weekend, I felt 100% comfortable any time I was with Lupe, and when I wasn't, I felt great too. Like I was worthy of being there, not scared sitting in the corner afraid to open up. Anyway, it was a sweet moment and then I just prayed, "God, give me peace" and fell asleep instantly.

Sunday... up early for a shower and to straighten my hair... then breakfast with Fernando and Lupe and a few others. It was rushed that morning - we only had til noon. We had an amazing teaching that was... well, I have FOUR pages of notes on it. I'm going to write about it in it's own entry and reflect on it later. But it was great - we had 45 min of discussion with our tables.. the three of us (Lupe, Fernando, me, like it was ALL weekend) along w/ two people we had never met and Matt, our worship leader, who led discussion. The theology that was involved was confusing but at the same time, important. So we sorted through it. Learned a lot. Then.. *sniffle*... our FINAL worship session was an hour later. It was THE most intense worship I have experienced in years. I just felt like I was looking around at people who were different than they were Friday night. Just everything seemed so powerful that I could tell just by looking around that everyone was influenced by God in the weekend. *smile* After that, Darren, talked to us about his vision for Axis' future. Then Kristin, this wonderful woman who actually convinced me to go to the retreat (she works the Info booth after Axis, and she encouraged me big-time) got up there and talked about her vision for REACH which is the serving ministry. We got to check off if we wanted to be contacted to help and of course, I do. I'll do whatever they need me to do.Then it was back to our rooms to pack and checkout. Soo sad. I wanted the weekend to NEVER END. We all decided to meet in the lobby and then mutually decided the 8 of us would go out to eat on the way home. We had a string of like 7 cars following each other [which is a VERY difficult thing to do, lol! We had to pull over 2x cuz we lost a few cars at a light] back into Fox Lake, Illinois to have lunch at this diner. At the diner, I sat by Adrian and Andy, we all reflected and Jen, Adrian, and Fred told us more about the Bible study they do on Saturday nights after Axis. Apparently, they attend together, then they go The Living Room to talk with other people, and then they gather for a bible study together, which seems like it's sorta led by Fred cuz he seems to be chocked full of Moody-Bible-Institute-Knowledge hehe, and then they go out. Then Sunday morning, they all attend Harvest together. So this weekend, that's my plan. I promised I'd give it a shot and I really can't wait to get to know all of them better.

Yeah. I think that's it. If I didn't put all this stuff down, I'd probably forget. Stupid bad memory :)

Axis Retreat - part one :O) (it's long, but it's my blog so HAH)

Yeah, I don't know how to even start. I keep getting interrupted. This is part one.

I honestly can't stand people that go through one weekend of significance and think their entire life is changed. I don't often say I had a life-changing event take place or a realization or a moment of clarity where the heavens opened and angels sang etcetc. But.. they kind of did.

So, I got lost going to the resort. I ended up going twenty miles too far because the hotel neglected to tell me their resort was not visible from the road. I was stressin'. It took me forever to find my room, and I realized I overpacked like whoa, dragging my suitcase up and down stairs. Finally, got to my room, opened the door, and was greeted with an enthusiastic "Hi, roomie!" from a girl sitting on the bed with her Bible spread out in front of her. She told me her name was Guadelupe and right off the bat said she knew no one and had signed up for the retreat in excited anxiousness and I knew we'd get along right away. We decided to share one of the double beds and sat and talked for at least an hour, about boys (and their stupidness), college (she's graduated - she's 27), and the lack of opportunities to meet people in our 20's. Then we went downstairs together for the first session.

The guest speaker, LaRon Schultz, proved right away to be amazing. He talked about the fear of God (fear as in..trembling in awe due to lack of control over an existencially relevent thing) being the beginning of love for God. When he said we should fear God, I gave him this weird look; out of 250 people he was looking right at me and burst out laughing and told me thanks for the look. It was great. He told us about his experiences with God, being from an environment of legalism and how he felt called to break the mold. And he has. He knows how to talk to people, how to set us at ease and keep us listening. I got a lot out of it. Anyway, worship was fantastic because our worship leader Matt is back for good from London. Afterwards we had a dance in one ballroom while the rest of us remained for The Living Room - a casual, yet controlled environment designed to meet and start conversations with people. Lupe and I stayed and jumped to a table full of people. Right away we were led to talk amongst ourselves, answering questions. At first they were silly things; a funny memory from our childhoods; and then they went deep -- a time when God met us in our fear. Fear was a big theme of the weekend, and oddly enough, what I've been grappling with myself for so long and especially this weekend, with my anxiety over sleep and stuff. So I shared something extremely deep and almost cried voicing it, and everyone else followed suit. Lupe told us about a time that she was attacked by a spirit in Peru. She was there alone in a hotel under the covers and an angry spirit came over her and held her blankets down, trying to smother her. She said that she (she's from a Catholic background but is now Christian, to her Mother's dismay) prayed the Our Father because she didn't know what else to do and then she spoke out loud the name of God, and the spirit left. Through the discussion, I met Jen, who just seemed like the sweetest person ever. With a lot of those talks, I started to think about the fact there is a very real presence of the devil on earth here, and that while he can attack us, Christ will protect us, simply by speaking his name. Anyhoo. During discussion, we met Fernando and Jen as I mentioned; Fernando accompanied Lupe and I to the dance, where she danced and he and I hovered. We ended up staying up super late playing Catch Phrase with a group of people.. one of which being Andy, this really cool 25 year old (I think) from Libertyville and one being Michael, a really nice guy who unfortunately I didn't have much an opportunity to talk to. Then bed. Lupe and I discovered our roomate we hadn't met yet asleep in bed with the covers over her head and we were like, wondering who she was, cuz it's kinda weird to be in a room with someone you've never met, haha. We decided we couldn't sleep cuz we were too keyed up and we grabbed snacks and juice and sat down at the end of the roomie's bed on the floor to watch TV. The TV wasn't pointed towards our bed. We stayed up a while giggling and watchin That 70's Show. She and I... we were like peas in a pod, let me tell you. Everything she said, I could just relate to and understand and vice versa. When we finally went to bed - quite a small bed - I put my discman on because our roomie was snoring lightly but just enough to annoy me. I laid awake til at least 3:30 but ... I wasn't anxious. I laid there just silently praying and being grateful. When the alarm went off at 6:30, I was partly conscious (I think I just cat napped) but I was OK. I got to meet the roommates - Serena and Ann - who were both cool but were real life friends and had their own "posse" at the retreat so we didn't actually hang out much. But Serena is a Psych major so we have that in common.

Anyhow. Saturday. Freakin' fantastic. The sermon was about eating like Jesus did. I know it sounds super weird and believe me, LaRon got another weird look. Basically it was about how sacred meals were back then, and how the Pharisees and religious leaders at the time wouldn't eat with anyone who was considered impure or unclean or whatever, and how Jesus broke ALL those rules and used meals as a way to fellowship, inviting intentionally people that were "unclean". He talked about how Jesus showed us the foundation of community by the way he ate. We had amazing worship, then the opportunity to either go to this prayer room, or have Q&A with LaRon or go to the fitness center or pool or whatev. Lupe, Fernando and I went to the prayer room. They had candles lit everywhere and soothing music playing, pillows on the floors everywhere, and we were told the purpose was to "Be still and know He is God" and we could do whatever we wanted to quietly, and then the 3 prayer members were goin to come around and pray for us. Lupe and I curled up next to each other and prayed for about an hour and a half, I kid you not. That's the longest I've ever prayed. The prayer guy finally got around to me and he held my hands and began to pray. He said something like: God, I feel in Melissa that all she really wants to do is love people and give them a shoulder and an ear, but I ask you to provide people in her life willing to do that in return for her. Thank you for her openness and her willingness and compassion. God, I ask that you increase her discernment. I know she has seen things that have scared her -- maybe it was a trick of light or a feeling of her hair standing up on her neck or some kind of spirit -- please reassure her that she hasn't imagined it, and that your power is always greater and will protect her." Etcetc. Anyway, that freaked me out. Because from time to time I have had very powerful feelings of... awareness of evil... that I brush off because I just can't admit they're real, you know? I don't want to give power to whatever presence it was. And this was back when I lived in the townhouse; nothing since. But I guess it was real. From his prayer I was able to realize that I had in the past some kind of spiritual presence that was attacking me... so yeah, as soon as he was done praying I talked to Lupe about it and she said something like "Now that you know you were, you can recognize it if it happens again and you can call it out, and tell it to leave your home or your presence..." and we laid down and held hands briefly and were just quiet and reflective.

That day we had a reflection/devotion time. The three of us found a quiet corner and took some time to ask ourselves the question: What do I fear? How does the fear hinder me from entering into the "feast" of the spirit? (back to that "eating" thing). I wrote about six pages in my journal, jotting down random words, phrases, bible verses that came into mind, and I felt like in prayer I began to overcome a few of those fears. Like God spoke directly into the fear that was residing in me and told it it had no right to reign in me.

Hmm, more about the prayer room. I hesitate to talk about it because I know a lot of you that read this or whatever may really believe it's nutty but the prayer people (lol, I totally forgot their names) were sitting down with people and kinda prophesying over them. I'm going to write an entry on it when I get home, but I will tell you that the man and woman who prayed with me and then gave me a word from God -prophesy - knew stuff that they *couldn't* have known. And the woman got all teared up and hugged me and said she knew I had been hurt and I've experienced so much pain and that God just wants to hold my hand through it. She said a lot of other things, but I will tell you them in a later entry. But they were things that have absolutely, positively changed my life. Then Fernando, Lupe and I sat there in silence for a while longer, listening to a recording the prayer guy had done where he recited Bible verses with "I am" - basically like listening to love messages from God. My favorite, a phrase that always speaks to my heart, was when he recited, "My grace IS sufficent."OK, I have to take a break for a few so I'm going to post this and then write more about Saturday and Sunday in a few minutes. There's lots more, I want to have down because I never write detailed enough accounts and my memory is not the greatest, hehe. Back soon.

a reason -

-- to TAKE HEART when a task or a cause feels completely daunting; when you are weary and feel you alone can do nothing to effect this world in a positive way:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/02/06/BAGESH3C4G1.DTL&feed=rss.bayarea


Besides God, individuals like these are the hope of this world. It's so easy to look at a cause and feel like you are helpless because you are small and it is big. But there is always something you can do. And this to me was such an encouragement for "kids" like me to just take heart, because there is nothing like people that unite and work together with passion, in pursuit of a common goal. ::smile::