It just hit me I really haven't updated in the past few days. Sometimes sheer boredom does that to you; and the things I thought of saying were empty and silly. They still are, I'm sure. I went from a really profound sense of depression early in the week to just bland boredom through the middle, to sort of mournful contemplation this morning.

Last night, Niles came over. We got through the end of Lord of War. It was fantastic, if not utterly depressing. I shall give you some of my favorite lines; the first is my fave:

They say, "Evil prevails when good men fail to act." What they ought to say is, "Evil prevails."

Every faction in Africa calls themselves by these noble names--Liberation this, Patriotic that, Democratic Republic of something-or-other... I guess they can't own up to what they usually are: a federation of worse oppressors than the last bunch of oppressors. Often, the most barbaric atrocities occur when both combatants proclaim themselves freedom-fighters.

I sell to leftists, and rightists. I sell to pacifists, but they're not the most regular customers.

K, that's enough, but just see it. It's awwwwesome.

Niles left around 1:30. I never wanted him to leave, but at the same time when we are hanging out I feel like it's all pretend. It's not on my part, but on his, it is, but without the pretense of it being real. It's not as if he's lying or saying he wants me back, he's really saying nothing about the entire situation, it's all whatever happens when we're together happens, and I'm lonely because I miss when I thought it was real. I miss him before he even leaves and while we're together I miss what we once had. It's a lose-lose situation, and one losing situation is just preventing in my stupid mind what I think would be a worse loss situation. Trading one hurt for another... means there is always a hurt. I'm not sure if anyone is following me, so I'll stop.

These are not the kind of thoughts that should be accompanied by the song, "Give You Back." Let me demonstrate:

I need to know if you were real
'Cause I've been known to get it wrong
When the memory comes
I'll say I'm always in the dark
You got me now
I want to give you back
I want to give you back
Somewhere out of here
I want to give you
I want to give you
I want to give you back

I can't remember how it went
You looked like everything I wanted
And as you came along
Slowly everything began to change
I got you now

I need to know if you were real
I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again
And as the vision fades
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes
I felt them burn


OK, I conclude that thought there.

So, I hesitate to say anything here but I found out some really crappy news yesterday. My cousin's daughter Alexis (first off, let me say my cousin is not married to Alexis' father, they have joint custody though) has been being raped by her father (Alexis' father, not my uncle). I guess my aunt has suspected it for reasons I will not mention here, but she was all bruised in areas a six year old should definitely not be bruised. When my aunt asked her who did it to her, she said daddy. She's a mentally retarded six year old, I mean.. that's just disgusting! The girl is screwed up enough as it is, my cousin practically dropped her into her mom (my aunt's) lap because she couldn't handle her behavioral and developmental problems, and now this. DCFS is in the picture now, and they have to take Alexis to Children's Memorial to undergo psychiatric testing and to see if they can get her, with her limited verbal skills, to give them more information about the rape. Ugh. And I NEVER liked this guy either, when my cousin was dating him, the exact same way I didn't like my aunt collette's husband. My mom told me when I was young and I'd just met my ex-uncle to say hi to my new uncle and I said no and walked away. And he beat the fucking hell out of her several times. I have seen her eyes black so many times.. I helped move her out of her house and I told the man when he came home to try to convince my aunt not to leave that I would kill him before I let him touch her again. Mom and I called the cops and they escourted him out. Why was he afraid of me, yet not afraid to beat Collette within an inch of her life? I mean, I'm a pretty good judge of character. But I couldn't have imagined Alexis' father Steve would do this to his own daughter, a mentally delayed daughter at that. I'm so angry, I just.. I just can't even think about it anymore.

I just want to sleep. But it's only 11 and I have to be here until four. I'm counting the minutes. I brought a huge "ocean view" coloring book and colored pencils, if I can get the attention span to actually color. I also have my Greg Iles book and a bunch of CDs to try to numb the boredom.

I am in love with this song!!!!!

This is by the lovely Rachael Yamagata. Italicized the parts that apply to me and that I like the best :)


I think about how it might have been
We’d spend out days travelin’
It’s not that I don’t understand you
It’s not that I don’t want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I’ve got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I’m up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

I’ll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I’ll track you on the radios, and
I’ll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It’s not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you’re looking for
The way I might’ve changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

goofy stuff this AM

Hmm, tried to post a silly quiz on here but it screwed up my journal's formatting. Arrrrgh!

courtesy Adam Duritz

favorite alternates here... and no, I'm not suicidal or anything, just havin' a crap day and these are the ones that stuck out to me:

"I gotta rush away," she said,
"I been to Boston before.
and anyways
this change I been feeling
doesn't make the rain fall"
no big differences these days
just the same old walkaways
and someday
i'm gonna stay
but not today...


she said this is not my idea of a way to spend an evening
she said this is not my idea of the way this thing should go
she said this is not my idea to be all alone
she said why don't you just open up your eyes?
...and I will walk and talk
in gardens misty wet with rain,
and I will never be this young again
and I will cover my eyes
and hide inside this shame
and we will never ever ever be this young again
she said can't you see this is not a bright new morning?
she said can't you see this is not the end?
she stops me shivering
she said can't you see this ain't no rainbow darlin'?
I will never, ever, ever, be this young again
she said how do you like it when you're all alone under the sun?
I said...
goodnight Elisabeth
goodnight, goodnight


she said you would like me to walk away,
you would like me to pack up my bags and go
she said you would like me to tell him goodbye,
tell him goodbye, pack up my bags, and go
but you know, if I told him goodbye, if I pack up my bags,
if I went - you would not be there
You would not be there
and, and, you could hurt me
she said but you don't think about that
you see birds drop off your window-sill,
pass by the window, plummeting towards the ground,
and you don't think about the fact that you could hurt me?
you could lay me out on the ground
she said well this is goodbye, and this is goodnight,
and this is goodbye, this is goodnight
and you would like me to say goodbye,
you would like me to pack my bags, you would like me to go,
but you would hurt me


this is a song for all those of you out there
who have ever truly dated a wretched person
If you've ever given your heart
to someone who could really only take care of a bank account
Cause this is not a song about love
this is a song about addiction
This is not a song about love
this is a song about addiction
This is not a song about affection
it's more a song about affliction
Come on darkness
Come on love
Come on rain
tumble down from the skies
4:33
said come on darkness
said come on love
Come on rain
tumble down from the skies
come on, I said -
I don't want to be alone
Save me Save me Save me
save me
save me from myself baby


...sometimes it snows in April,
and sometimes the skies are gray
sometimes it all seems so familiar to me,
and sometimes it's just so fuckin' strange
and sometimes it's the same old day,
and sometimes I stay inside all day


she said your just a little bit of anything I need
is better than nothing..
I'm so alone when I'm with you
but if you could just give me a little bit of anything I need
it's better than nothing
When I think of heaven...
well, it's better than nothing


There’s things that you should realize,
there’s things that you should see
There’s people right before your eyes sliding into disbelief
There’s things I should have realized,
there’re things I should have known -
the ones who love you,
they will look into your eyes and wave goodbye,
and wave goodbye, and wave goodbye, and wave goodbye
then they're gone
The people who will love you,
they will look into your eyes and wave goodbye, and wave goodbye
You will think that you’ve been dreaming,
and you will think that you were fast asleep
cause there are things that you should never be losin',
there are things that you should keep
and you will wish that you were dreaming,
that you will wake up and it will all be the same
cause the things that you keep losin',
you’ve no one but yourself to blame


the ghost of this love
is worthless and painful and old
because there's no one else
in this whole fucking world
that’s a match to the things in your soul

pics of me.

I hesitate to even post them because I think I look awful, but whatever.

monday morning

*yawn* so, Niles was over last night. >.> We were up pretty late <.< Yeah. Not much sleeping going on. He left around one. I'm very tired this AM but happy. We watched a good amount of Lord of War but didn't actually see the ending... Hopefully soon he will come back over and we can watch the end; what I saw was fantastic!

Overall, pretty good weekend. St. Patty's day was okay.. just sat at home with Jon drinking way too much Midori and watching Walk the Line and then we both crashed. He went home late.

Saturday was my mom's birthday, and she and I spent the afternoon shopping. Then Saturday night's Axis service was great! Unfortunately Andy didn't show up, but Greg, Fernando, Adrian, Fred, Jen and several others were there. The message was about how Christians need to stop praying timidly and sayin things like "God, IF you could JUST...<...>" (or as my pastor said, setting a post-it note on heaven's door) and instead start banging at God's door.. praying fearlessly with assurance that God not only hears but answers. He told us to try praying without using "if" or "just" or phrases like that, and replace them with "Because of who you are" and such. It's already changing how I pray; very cool.

Afterwards we had a great bible study that included a couple new people - including a recent Egyptian immigrant named Fadi. Very nice guy. He's my age, which is neat, because most of the people in my group are much older. After that, we all went to dinner at Friday's - yummmmmy. I ended up getting home around midnight.


Tonight I'm going to see a movie with Fernando. I'm meeting him in Lake Zurich because he lives all the way up north by six flags. I'm looking forward to getting to know him better outside of church stuff. he and I are in similar places in life - both students, both unsure of our futures, both bored and kind of lonely. So, it should be good.

OK, I need to eat lunch, then I'm going to work on putting some pictures on the computer and putting them up on my Photobucket.. then I'll link ya'll to some if you want to see unlovely meeee ;)

some of my favorite lyrics

These are by Heather Nova. It's very much a spring song.. kind of calmly joyful.. and the lyrics really helped me through some tough times in my life. Driving down the road today it just came to mind.. thought I'd post it:


I can see the ground below
the places that I know, disappearing
and I can see the winter fade
and I don't feel so afraid

Oh, what a feeling
Oh, what a feeling
Oh, what a feeling

Life is only half way in our hands
years have passed
while I was making plans
and I could never find the words
I always felt absurd
and always outside
but now I know I shouldn't care
there's a song already there
waiting inside

the laughter that was dead is coming
Oh, what a feeling
the laughter that was dead is coming

my favorite worship song

and honestly, the cry of my heart:


I am full of earth
You are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt
prone to depravity

You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity

But a certain sign of grace is this:
From the broken earth
Flowers come up
pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like you are

you are everything that is bright and clean
and you're covering me
with Your majesty

and the truest sign of grace was this:
from wounded hands
redemption fell down
Liberating man

You are holy, holy, holy
all heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like you are

but the harder I try
the more cleary can I
feel the depth of our fall
and the weight of it all
and so this might
could be the most impossible thing:
Your grandness in me
making me clean

Glory, hallelujah
Glory, Glory, hallelujah

so here I am
all of me
finally everything
wholly, wholly, wholly

I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly.....Yours

I am full of earth and dirt and You
I am full of earth and dirt and You
I am full of earth and dirt and You

rant

Shopping with Mom this afternoon (it's her 51st birthday). I got a reallllly cute outfit and am feeling more confident than usual wearing it to church/going out tonight. Yay that. I got two tank tops - one strappy and teal, and one just a regular tank but with this beautiful beading/stitching around the neckline and between the breast area.. and a creme, light weight Bohemian style blouse to go over it. It looks perfect with my dark jeans and boots. Also, an adorable necklace. It's simple - cuz I'm simple and like basic, uncomplicated stuff - just a brown leather cord as a chain with a pendant type thing - three silver hoops inside each other. Very Bohemian as well. Fitting, as that is part of my total mutt background. I think I'm mostly Irish and German, with some American Indian, Scottish, Bohemian, and Norweigan (am I spelling that right?). Probably a few others tossed in there.

I got a few other things, too. I've kind of hit a tomboy stage. I either do the Bohemian type look with really earthy tones (brown, creme, green, blue - oh, and I love purple) or the tomboy thing. I got a new Billabong hoodie (blue) but it's really heavy pull over, so I will probably not get much use out of it the rest of this season as spring is rolling around. Also got two long sleeved knit shirts, one navy and one white - they look sort of like long underwear but they're softer and lighter - low cut v-neck with buttons (but strangely enough, the buttons are just for show). They'll look good under my assorted zipper hoodies.

Speaking of clothes, the button-snappie thing for my favorite cords came off today. There is a little hole where it was, all torn up. How the hell did I manage that one? My mom said she will buy a button and sew it on for me. I am going to have to beg her to do that soon because they're my favorites! They're huge on me though.. that's a good thing! Buttons..man, I am hopeless when it comes to home ec stuff like that except doing laundry. I'm a crappy cook, my ironing just puts more creases into stuff, I have hilariously bad "homemaking" skills.. you name it, I suck at it. I could live on eggs, Lean Cuisine, grilled chicken and pasta, and veggies. How boring am I?

My mom said the funniest thing today. We were talking about this paper my brother has to do on cloning and how one of the anti-cloning arguments is that it takes the romance out of the bedroom by adding a scientist to the whole conception experience. My mom goes, hey, it gets women out of sex. And I practically choked on my smoothie and was like, "Who'd want that?!" and my Mom laughed and said, "Most women over thirty." I just shook my head and told her that's so sad and I couldn't imagine feelin' like that about sex, and she was like, "When did you get so grown up?" She had this little wistful expression on her face. Aww, poor Mom. She told me today I'm not like any other 21 year old she knows. She said she knows I'd do just fine on my own, but that she thought it would be foolish to not take the chance to go to school full time while I'm at a regular college age and that it gets harder & harder to go back as you get older. I don't know how she sensed the restlessness I'm feeling as all my friends are moving out, getting married, getting their own places... I long for that freedom in a way but I have freedom, though, and moreover - I *had* it with Ethan and found it banal and unfulfilling. I remember one moment in particular standing in the middle of my own living room with everything decorated as I desired, feeling like I had something that was mine, and it still left me feeling empty. I had such a horrible emptiness I carried around when I was in the relationship with Ethan; I dunno, the "freedom" felt like a cage. And now, as it stands, I have a good amount of freedom ~ I can have people over, I have a huge room and I'm the only one on the first floor so I have people crash over here all the time (although, one morning over the summer I had to sneak a guy out of here...ooops~ Mom totally knew but didn't say anything, thank God) .. I don't have a curfew or any BS like that.. my parents don't try to tell me what to do and what not to (although they still try to influence what I believe)... free rent.. so it makes perfect sense for me to stick with this situation. They're even going to help me paint my room bronze and I think they want to get new carpet put in here for me, too.

I think I just feel restless about life in general. As friends graduate and start the next chapters of their life, I am trudging through school work just trying to get my associates degree. Math has been such a struggle for me and has held me back; marriage to Ethan held me back. I guess it's a good thing the marriage was so short lived, or I would have wasted even more time with working and not going to school. I'm trying to enjoy being "young" but I don't feel young anymore. I was looking through my clothes this morning and grumbling because I feel like none of it is ME.. I had to get all sorts of nice clothing for the professional job I had while I was married, and now I have no need for them and they're just not ME (it looks like my Mom's closet, not mine!). I think I'm going to go through my clothes, keep a few fancy office outfits, and give the rest to charity. Everything that reminds me of Ethan is going to go, including my old favorite sweater I wore to the Keith Urban show years back. I am soon going to be 22, and damn it all to hell if I'm not going to exercise my right to jeans and sweatshirts for a few years longer.

It probably seems silly to view clothing as such an.. exention of my personality. But a lot of what I have left over from married days just seems to remind me of the person I was subconsciously trying to be rather than who I really was/am. I was trying to enter a chapter in life I was nowhere near ready for, although, if I'd had a man that treated me well and loved me, I know I would have made it work. Anyway, now that I've got a second chance, as it were, I am trying to like who I am and be true to that, even in silly ways like what I wear. Who I choose to date. What I spend my time doing. I'm trying to get back to my writing.. start going bowling again.. doing silly things that are true to myself. Maybe that seems stupid? Even down to drawing again.. I am a terrible artist but I *love* coloring books (mostly landscapes) and I took a painting class one time - I'm thinking of trying to find another one to enroll in. I'm taking Criminology this semester because my gut said, hey, Melissa, you'd like this shit, and I *do*. That trust in myself is coming back little by little. I don't blame Ethan entirely for removing it; I let go of it to try to be his Wife and someone that would make him happy. How ridiculous.. can I ever make anyone else really happy unless I am happy first?

Anyway, I'm going to go take my lil' poochie on a walk. It's a beautiful, bright day today and I'm feeling extremely grateful and even joyful. I'm just happy to be alive today, happy to be free (in more ways than one), and happy for once to be me.

All my recent moping about my romantic situations (or lack there of) abruptly ended this morning. I realized that anyone who I choose to date is going to be very lucky to have me [I have never thought that before.] I'm a good person, and when I love someone I am incredibly giving and warm....

-- I just need to give myself a little more credit.

really cool test!

My Personal Dna Report

The results are accurate except "very high femininity". Today I'm in cords, a green t, and a brown guy's hoodie and sneakers.

rather accurate

the Asserter

your Enneagram type is EIGHT.

"I must be strong"

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

Stand up for yourself... and me.
Be confident, strong, and direct.
Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
Give me space to be alone.
Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Eight

being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Eight

overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
putting too much pressure on myself
getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Eights as Children Often

are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
are sometimes loners
seize control so they won't be controlled
fugure out others' weaknesses
attack verbally or physically when provoked
take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Eights as Parents

are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
are sometimes overprotective
can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=12721960859055255705

I swear I'm not an emo kid...

Just because I genuinely love Something Corporate and Dashboard Confessional, and more currently, Bright Eyes, does not make me an emo kid, ok? Ken gave me hell about this last night in the car. I played SoCo's "Globes and Maps" and "I Want to Save You" and he said it was only mildly making him want to slit his wrists, so I didn't play him the one below.. but it's one of my favorite songs. It's actually strangely comforting to me; it's got a soothing sound. When I feel really alone, which is often, I start humming, it's me and the moon, she says, and I've got no trouble with that...

It's a good year for a murder
she's praying to jesus, she's pulling the trigger
there's no tears, cause he's not here
she washes her hands, and she fixes the dinner
but soon they'll be coming to rush her away
no one's so sure if her crime had a reason

reasons like seasons
they constantly change
and the seasons of last year
like reasons have floated away
away with this spilt milk
away with this dirty dish water, away
seventeen years, and all that he gave was a daughter

"it's me and the moon," she says
i got no trouble with that
but i am a butterfly, you wouldn't let me die
"it's me and the moon," she says

and it's over, but it just started
the blood stained the carpet
her heart like a crystal
she's lucid and departed
a life left behind, she can find in her mind gone away

away with these nightmares
away with suburbia
shake down away
you marry a role and
you give up your soul til you break down

"it's me and the moon," she says
"i got no trouble with that, but i am a butterfly, you wouldn't let me die"
"it's me and the moon," she says

but what do you say we go for a ride?
what do you say we get high?
but i'm so tired of days that feel like the night

"it's me and the moon," she says
and i got no trouble with that, but i am a butterfly, you wouldn't let me die
i am a butterfly, i am a butterfly, i am a butterfly

quote.

I can remember being eight years old and having infinite possibilities. But life ends up being so much less that we thought it would be when we were kids, with relationships that are so empty and stupid and brutal. And if you don't find a way to change in some way, then you wind up, as the rhyme goes: a murder of one, for sorrow.
-Adam Duritz


I can relate. Adam always finds the perfect way to express the words trapped inside my head and heart. I love that about him.

help, I'm stuck in the 90's!

.. I can't help it! It's my Launch cast's fault. I'm rather thankful for their playing "Leaving Las Vegas" (Sheryl), "Standing Outside a Broken Phonebooth w/ Money in my Hand" (Primitive Radio Gods), "Mr. Jones" (Counting Crows, of course), and... leaving the best for last... "Push" (Matchbox Twenty). Then to break the 90's thing, "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter. Yaaaay.

I shall call today Day of the Good Music. Hehe. I brought a few cd's with me to work this morning - Dashboard, Motion City Soundtrack, and Vertical Horizon. So I have those waiting for this PM. My regular habit is to listen to Launch or now, Indie 103.1 in the AM, then after lunch, turn on some cds.

Oh, wow, now Jimmy Eat World. I <3 Launch.com!!:

on my life I'll try today,
there’s so much I've felt I should say,
but even if your heart would listen,
doubt I could explain...

Yesterday sucked. Any day that begins with me tumbling down a flight of stairs is doomed from the very freakin' start. It was not cool. I hurt my knee even worse and now it even hurts to walk, where before it just hurt to go up steps. Ugh. Then I found out the geometry teacher I have for this summer is the most incompetent bitch in the school, she's infamous for her being a terrible teacher. My friend Matt had her last semester and he said either don't waste my money or start drinking heavily. I feel completely and utterly screwed. Then, after getting home, showering, cleaning my room, and renting some movies because Altamash was coming over, he didn't show, and when he finally called an hour late, he said he'd gotten hit by some dumb drunk chick and his car was in really bad shape and he wouldn't be coming over. So, I kind of feel like things are doomed with him too, because so far our schedules have done nothing but collide and now when we tried to get together (we had it planned for like 2 weeks in advance), he gets in an accident. And frankly, when he didn't show, I was almost relieved. I just don't seem to care one way or the other about having a date with him or with anybody at this point. I'm tired all the time, my knee is killin' me, and I'm just cranky as hell and the last thing I feel like doing is trying to impress some dumb boy, and face it, 99% of them are just idiots that are just gonna hurt me anyway.

Ahhhh, but Better than Ezra's old version of "Lifetime" just came on, so all is well. *sigh* I seriously love this band so much. Honestly what would I do without music?

Anyhoo, yeah. Like those Bright Eyes lyrics say, love is just an excuse to get hurt and to hurt.. is there a point in that? I'm nearly 22. I've already been divorced.. I know what it's like to be married and to be half of a couple and frankly, I am doing okay being whole on my own. You know, I am a student and I work and I have friends and church commitments, and boys are a big ol' distraction and heartache on top of that. Sure, they're fun to make out with, and people like Niles and Jon are great to be best friends with but I've never had a lasting relationship that worked out so why would I think this dude Altamash or any guy would be any different? Wow, I'm pretty cynical. I guess I do believe eventually I will find the right person, but I don't think I'd be feeling utter indifference towards a broken date if the guy was anything truly special.

Instead, Jon came over and we watched Flightplan. It was nice. I fell asleep on his chest and I think he stayed til midnight, even though I was half-conscious after the movie ended at 10:40. I love it when he comes over at night because I really like not being alone falling asleep. I guess that's probably weird, but I got used to having someone else in bed with me when I was with He Whose Name Shall Not Be Mentioned for three years, so I got used to that.

I gotta go to class. The good one, not the evil math one. Later!

lyrics, of course!

Mark aka BIG in belgium sent me the link to the awesomest (is that a word? Doubtful...) radio station ever http://www.indie1031.com/listenlive.php out of the OC. I am now addicted. I knew I would be as soon as I put it on and heard them playing Bright Eyes Lover I Don't Have to Love. Whoa, good stuff. Now they're playing Primus. Yaaaay :) So lyrics, thanks to indie 1031 this AM... they're messed up, but the song is awesome musically.

I picked you out of a crowd to talk to you
said I liked your shoes
you said thanks can I follow you?
so it's up the stairs and out of view
no prying eyes I poured some wine
I asked your name you asked the time
well it's two o'clock the club is closed, we're up the block
your hands on me, pressing hard against your jeans
your tongue in my mouth trying to keep the words from coming out
you didn't care to know who else may have been here before
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a f&ck
where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said he'd meet us here but I'm not sure
I got the money if you got the time
he said it feels good - I said I'll give it a try
then my mind went dark
we both forgot where your car was parked
--let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning
bad actors with bad habits
some sad singers, they just play tragic
now the phone's ringing and the band's leaving
let's just keep touching let's just keep keep singing
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
where's the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
the kind I have always seems to slip my mind
but you but you....
you write such pretty words
but life's no story book
Love's an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt
(do you like to hurt? I do I do...)

along the edges colors blur and seem familiar...

... while you read your magazine,
I was counting all the markers
and California seemed to draw you like a siren
from a postcard, or a letter, in a frame of film melting..

but under you, I hear your breath move in, out slowly
Under you, let go completely,
feeling you take over me...

Ahh.. couldn't think of a snazzy title for this post so just put down what song I'm listening to.. (Better than Ezra.. *happy sigh*)

I hesitantly announce this morning that spring is on it's way to Chicago. Seems way too good to be true, but this weekend was downright glorious, and this morning it's already almost sixty degrees outside, with a nice breeze and bright blue skies. Kind of unbelievable for March 13th but who's complaining?!

Weekend.. was good! Friday I had off, and I can't even recall what all I did, except that I went to the chiropractor (I think) and they fixed me, and then I sat around almost all afternoon and watched Firefly on Scifi. Sooo good! I was waiting to hear from my friend Bill... we met on MySpace last summer and hung out several times, but he goes to school in Davenport, Iowa, so I can only see him on breaks. He called at 4 and I headed out to his house in Wheaton, right by Niles' house. Seeing him was wonderful as always; we talked and commiserated about our recent break ups and went to a little theater in Naperville to see Fun with Dick and Jane, which ended up being pretty hilarious. On my way home I called Niles cuz I was driving straight past his house to get home, but he didn't answer (several times), and I got my mind set on thinking he was just ignoring my call and didn't want to see me or something. Got home.. saw that he was online.. finally told him I had called him and he said his cell hadn't been by him, so that's good, I guess. Then Jon came over-- we grabbed milkshakes and rented Elizabethtown but he was asleep within the first twenty minutes. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten so cozy. I ended up falling asleep halfway through, too. I finished the movie last night, though, and it was all right - not the best movie I've seen, and some of the dialogue was just odd but still decent.

Saturday.. I cleaned the crap out of my car. It was a flippin gorgeous 60-something day and I just got the motivation. It took me hours. I vacuumed, washed the car, Fantastik-ed the interior, even cleaned out the cupholders full of disgusting dried-pop goo. Then I headed to church. Only about half of our "group" showed up, and I ended up sitting with Fernando and Andy. The band played a new worship song that included lyrics that said, "I am full of earth and dirt and You" and "You are holy, holy God, I want to be holy like you are.." and then switched to "I am wholly wholly Yours". I really loved it! It had lyrics about spring and how flowers push through the dirt, and cool stuff like that. I love relating nature to God and I especially feel that way about spring and the rebirth that faithfully happens every spring. The message was on the parable in Luke about the seeds and trying to gauge the "soil of our soul" - whether it's in a state that is open to God or not. Talked a bit about purpose, and the pastor posed the question of what are we going to do with our one and only life. It was great. Afterwards, I went over to "the living room" (a casual group of people there for discussion and stuff..). We played some games and then lots of us went over to Culver's for dinner and we went rollerskating. OMG, rollerskating... haven't done that since junior high, and it was completely nuts but it was so much fun!! I took Andy and Fernando in my now-clean car and discovered Fernando likes the same kind of music as I do - we're going to be concert buddies if Matchbox or 3 Doors Down come back to town :) We stayed out til about 10:30 and then I headed home and threw myself in a quick cold shower cuz I felt groooooss!

As I was walking past the front door in my towel, someone knocked. I was expecting Niles, so I let him in and he was like, "Wow.. this is so cliche".. haha. It was hilarious. I didn't want Ty barking, and it was no big deal. But yeah, we watched part of a movie on Tv.. and ended up kissing and stuff til after 1am. Don't ask me why I do this to myself, I just can't say no, nor do I want to, even though I know it doesn't mean anything to him (and it probably does mean something to me). Maybe it makes the loss seem like less than a loss. I try not to analyze my own actions too much anymore. Let's leave it as, it was nice seeing him :)

Sunday AM.. woke up bright and early and.. happy. I got ready for the day and headed over to Niles' house, making a stop at Starbucks for a venti caramel frapuccino and they accidentally made a vanilla one instead - and they gave me both. So I had a few sips of the vanilla and saved the rest for Niles. By the time I reached his house I was pretty much bouncing off the walls haha. It was great. We went to his church, St. Paul, and it was soo good to see his Mom - she was teaching the message, which ended up being freakin' fantastic - talking about starvation in the world and how God would have us act in the face of a world that is suffering. Just amazing. All of the words (I don't know what they are called.. where the pastor says something and then the congregation replies with things like "Also with you" or "Praise be to God" and stuff.. I'm not Lutheran so I don't know!) were really beautiful. I wish I had kept the booklet but this guy asked me if I was done with it and I said yes and he took it to recycle :( booo. Then Niles and I went to downtown Wheaton and took a rather blissful walk as we waited for a table at a restaurant.

I headed home and the rest of the day I pretty much read a book, cleaned up a little, caught up with Liz (who's back from Ireland, yay!) online, watched the rest of Elizabethtown.. oh, quote time:

"It takes time to extract joy from life."

I really liked that line. I think the movie tried to be really inspirational but it felt like there were chunks missing in it, like I couldn't follow the storyline cuz it bounced around. It was very much Cameron Crowe though - visually beautiful and the soundtrack was absolutely amazing! I guess Kirsten Dunst made a lot of the music suggestions/choices; she's got great taste!

Wow, in the time it's taken to type this up, the weather has gone from serene and beautiful to dark skies and about 30mph wind. Nuts! That's Chicago spring, though. It's unpredictible and I love that. Last night we had the most glorious thunderstorms. Tornados accompanied them down in Springfield, our capital, which is about four hours south of here. I was talkin to Rob online last night (he's in Champaign, about 2.5 hrs south) and they had some really nasty stuff going through. I was sorta envious! We had a great storm here, though. I stayed up til after midnight staring out the window and listening to the rain and thunder. I only briefly wished Niles was there with me, so that's a sort of victory.

Ah, this is the perfect spring/summer song: This Time of Year...

Well, there's a feeling in the air
Just like a Friday afternoon
Yeah, you can go there if you want
Though it fades too soon

So go on, let it be
If there's a feeling coming over me,
Seems like it's always understood this time of year

Well, I know there's a reason to change
Well, I know there's a time for us
You think about the good times
And you live with all the bad
You can feel it in the air
Feeling right this time of year

I sit and watch your flowers
wilting in the kitchen
I felt like I was one of them
gasping for air
I go from room to room
hoping to find your presence(?)
I play my music louder than you'd like me to...

the Cd reminds me of last summer, laying on a little raft in my pool in the backyard just singing like crazy. It was a lot of fun. I felt pretty careless- I suppose it's cuz I was off work in the month of July and had a totally fantastic time relaxing. I miss that feeling! I miss laying in the pool in the sun :)

Anyway, I gotta go. It's busy in here.

When I can't say it well myself, lyrics always work.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

blahblahblah

So my day pretty much sucked until recently. This morning I was zonked, kept almost falling asleep on the keyboard, and I got really stuck doing my math homework and it had me in tears of frustration. Sociology class was good as usual, got 100% on my last paper that just got handed back today. Anyway besides that, my day was just sucking. Then this lady came into the counseling center here asking if she could use the computer to work on her resume, so I showed her the tutorial on Word. About 30 minutes later, she had gotten about *nothing* done and I just felt really sorry for her, so I told her to scoot over and typed her resume up in about twenty minutes. I told her to go buy a floppy, and showed her how to save, printed her about twenty copies, and set her an appointment to go over the resume with someone next week. No big thing - 30-40 minutes of my time. And she just started crying and told me how thankful she was and how frustrating it's been for her job searching, and she's just so discouraged and needed a resume to even apply this one job near her house.. etc. She almost had me crying, because it's such a small thing for me to do that for her and I really didn't even think I'd get thanks for it - nor was I needing it. I would normally not do that because it's not at all my job, but the fact she was really giving it a go on her own impressed the hell out of me. I dont like it when people beg for my help because they are too lazy to learn or try for themselves, but her really trying.. I figured someone should cut her a break. Anyway, she was just a really cool person and I enjoyed talking with her. It was a blessing for me to be able to do that for her.

Well, I have to finish up some crap at the desk and then get headin' to my math class. Can I just mention my teacher screamed at the class Tuesday when someone sneezed and me and this other girl both said god bless you? She screamed. Literally. Said we were acting like second graders and this is college and we need to learn how to behave. It was unfreakinbelievable. Then this one dude was tryin to explain nicely the reason we say it is cuz your heart literally stops when you sneeze and it's just polite to say that. Everyone does it. She told him he was sassing and back talking and he was on warning or something, (and WHO is in 2nd grade?!) and he was like Okay, then, and she's like you want another warning!? Seriously...wtf. I am appalled by her rudeness and lack of respect for students, and her temper, too. She stands there with her hands on her hips and shakes her heads like we're pathetic if we give her the wrong answer or she'll yell "No, no!" if something is wrong. Yet she wonders why no one wants to answer the questions on the board. We get reamed out. I just.. hate her so much. My notes are full of me writing out stuff like, "what an f'n bitch" or "such a psycho" or "wtf" or "go to hell" and random angry blurbs, because I have to get it out or I'll blow up and storm out of the classroom. It's unbelievable. On that note, I have to go. Byeee.

obligatory lyrics post

just posting these because I think they're fantastic. I listened to this song a lot during my semester at NIU, when I was going through rather extreme homesickness, depression, and insomnia. I remember driving down a country road listening to this just crying my eyes out. It still brings up a lot of emotion when I hear it. I put it on this morning because I'm really sad and I can't figure out why exactly, besides missing the ex kinda out of nowhere. I went to bed last night in tears, listening to the thunderstorm outside (I opened my blinds to see the lightning) and just cried myself to sleep. I dreamed I was at my best friend's house in Pennsylvania and woke up disappointed to still be at home, alone, in Illinois. I hope this stupid week will be over soon! I have tomorrow off. I feel so drained, I don't know what it is, but I'm very ready for the weekend~ to see my friends, for "youth" group Saturday night, Sunday morning church with my exboyfriend, for seeing my buddy Bill hopefully tomorrow.. if he ever calls... oh well. Here are the lyrics.

Tonic
Let Me Go

Home, home is like an open road
Where you will always find
Whatever you've been looking for
And grace, always in a hollow place
I will never change and I will always stay my way

People scatter, when loves the matter
I won't let it show

Let me go
Let me go away again
Let me change my direction
I can't take that rejection again
Let me go, let me go
I'll find my own --

Way-- I never thought I'd change my ways
It was an angry thought
That made me turn the other way
And I, I wanna be like that again
When I know there's hope
And hope will always find a friend

People scatter, when loves the matter
I won't let it show

Let me go
Let me go away again
Let me change my direction
I won't take that rejection
Let me go, let me go
I'll find my own way home

Let me go
Let me go away again
Let me change my direction
I won't take that rejection
Let me go, let me go
I'll find my own way home

one of my favorite songs

..that no longer applies to my life (unless you change it to "I'm yours and suddenly you're ::not:: mine" lol), but it's great anyway (just brings a few tears)

Aqualung
Brighter Than Sunshine

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

snowy morning!

We are, we are, intrigued
We are, we are, invisible
Oh how we shouted, how we screamed
Take notice, take interest, take me with you
When all our fears fall on deaf ears tonight
We're closing our caskets, cold and tight
But I'm dying to live.....

Yeeah, that's the song I'm listening to right now. I love Dashboard!

Ew.. it's snowing again.

Well, I had a pretty good weekend! Though, Saturday was a bummer of a morning. Niles and I had a really nice fight. It was awful. I'm not getting into the gory details but suffice it to say, I felt he was saying he didn't want to see me this weekend when he comes home, and he was just trying to say he doesn't want me to ditch a possible date with Altamash to see him. I was very, very wounded by what he said, but I also overreacted, despite the fact he worded it very insensitively. We've since made up. Saturday night I headed to church, not really wanting to be there but as soon as I saw my friends I was so happy I went. I found Fernando, Greg, Jen, and Fred in the lobby and then Andy found us, and he and I went in to get seats, so I got to sit next to him (yay). The sermon ended up being on loving your enemy, turning the other cheek.. which brings me to an interesting point:

I always thought the "turn the other cheek" thing meant be a victim, don't fight, etc. It doesn't! So the laws back then were basically that you could backhand someone with your right hand against their left cheek, in order to shame them. Husbands did it to their wives, masters to their slaves, whatever. When Jesus said to turn the other cheek after being struck, it meant to neither fight, nor flee, but to make it impossible for them to shame you further. See, it was against the law to strike with a fist and it was taboo and outlawed to strike someone with your left hand. So if you turned your cheek, your nose would get in the way and they would be unable to lawfully backhand you. My pastor said it's "the third way" - not to fight or flee but to turn the other cheek to stand up for yourself without returning violence for violence basically or not standing up for yourself at all. In turning your cheek, my pastor said Jesus was giving us intructions to reclaim our dignity, not to become victims. He also talked about arguments, which caused me major guilt cuz of the fight with Niles, and then he talked about grudges and how we have to face down our hurt and learn to love even people who hurt us. Reflection during worship brought up some unresolved hurts hangin' around from the divorce so I went up for prayer afterwards and ended up praying with a girl whose husband left her for another woman last summer. She was praying and asked God to help us forgive our exhusbands and not let them hold us hostage to anger and such.. and I was like, whoa, our exhusbands.. someone gets it. She looked maybe in her late 20's but I felt so glad to have someone who could understand. I didn't realize how much I needed empathy instead of sympathy. I felt better than I had in a long time after that.

After church, a biiiig group of us went out as a sort of goodbye party for our friend Nick. He's moving downstate most likely at the end of the week, so we took him to dinner and bowling. I ended up sitting across from this guy Greg at dinner, who I'd never talked to much before. He was a total sweetheart! He's 25, he is a surveyer (my dad did that for ten years when he was younger), a graduate from Niles' school. We had a very nice conversation, and I think I accidentally flirted a little with him.. he's not really my "type" - though he's tall and a little heavier set - he IS a nice guy, and that is a good thing. I guess we'll see, huh? I bowled terribly. My highest was like 100. Greg kicked my butt, he was well over 100 each time but I had a lot of fun anyway. I met this dude named Mark, and found out he goes to my school and lives like ten minutes from me, so that was kinda cool. After bowling ended at 11:30, we all (12 of us) went back to Jen's friend Alex's apartment to play Mafia. It was suuuuuper fun! We played til 2:30 and then Fred was like I'm starving.. is there an IHOP by here? And a bunch of us - Adrian, Fred, Jen, me, Alex, Greg, and Nick went to IHOP and ate til about 4am. It was pretty funny when I got home at 4:30 and I was locked out and I didn't have my housekey on me. Had to call my bro and make him let me in.. Ooops.

Slept til noon Sunday, then had some eggs and decided to make it a movie marathon day. The snow started coming down hard about 1 and that was the perfect excuse to spend the day curled up in bed. I made myself some tea, grabbed chocolate, lit candles, put in Silence of the Lambs, and buried myself underneath a heavy pink afghan. I looooooved the movie, totally, it's got to be one of my favorites. I had actually never seen it before, only clips from film class that we analyzed. I was soo impressed that I put in Hannibal after that, despite pausing it a bunch of times to make various snacks and look at dogs my mom was finding on ppetfinder.com, so it took me til about 7:30pm to get through it. It was suuuch a nice afternoon. I was just psyched to have that time to myself instead of always feeling like I have to say yes when people ask if I want to hang out.

Grey's Anatomy wasn't on. Stupid Oscars. Though, yay for "Crash" winning!!

Fell asleep around 11pm after watching "The L Word" on Showtime. It's a very controversial drama centering around the relationships and friendships of primary homosexuals [with the exception of two straight couples].. honestly, I watched it cuz I was intrigued by the idea, and I found it pretty entertaining. I found myself rooting for some of the couples, and feeling extreme sympathy for the characters, especially one girl who came out to her traditional mexican family and was told to leave the house. Eek. Anyway, it was interesting. Very well written, though I did fast forward a couple explicit scenes.

I have a headache. I think I need more caffeine... Bye!

these lyrics are totally my ex-

which makes him awful hard to get over. I put in italics some lines that describe him better than anything i've ever heard:

A fire burns
Water comes
You cool me down
When I'm cold inside
You are warm and bright
You know you are so good for me
With your child's eyes
You are more than you seem
You see into space
I see in your face
The places you've been
The things you have learned
They sit with you so beautifully

You know there's no need to hide away
You know I tell the truth
We are just the same
I can feel everything you do
Hear everything you say
Even when you're miles away
Coz I am me, the universe and you

Just like stars burning bright
Making holes in the night
We are building bridges

You know

When you're on your own
I'll send you a sign
Just so you know
I am me, the universe and you


*sobs* Yeah.